Single File by Susan Deitz

DEAR SUSAN: For 16 years, I was married to a younger man, who was 28 to my 38 when we first met. No one seemed to notice our age difference, but I found it harder and harder to age gracefully. I was also besieged with irrational jealousy. The reason I finally ended our marriage had far more to do with his financial ineptitude, slovenliness and inability to allow himself happiness than it did with the age difference.

Never have I felt such a passionate draw as I had to him, but I'll never date another man who's more than two or three years younger. I'm happier now than I've ever been and love the wisdom that comes with being 50-plus. This is the first time I've not had a male toward whom I was orienting myself — a true men-oh-pause. To be in a relationship with a much younger man takes a woman far securer than I am.

Truthfully, I can't imagine a man being attracted to an older woman and not having a pretty strong desire to be mothered. Still, it's a totally unfair double standard that the older-woman/younger-man combo is seen as unseemly yet the opposite situation is totally accepted. But after my experience, I'm beginning to understand why it's so rare. Thanks for a provocative column. — Jillian J., Long Island, N.Y.

DEAR JILLIAN: And yet there are such huge reasons the cougar dynamic makes good sense. (In Europe, they've signed on to its pluses for eons. And they're still very much addicted.) The biggie, of course, is the arrangement's physicality. She's just coming into her prime at 30, while the aging male is pretty much on the decline after 40. (Sigh.) But it's not only the flesh's wisdom; the mind also favors the age discrepancy. Young men see women in a totally different way, given their enlightened, "liberated" upbringing. They give us more space to simply be ourselves, to test our capacities out in the world, to be individuals. Older men seem to have a bit of difficulty in that regard, leftovers from their early training.

(There is always the tendency of their protecting us out of our personhood. Ahem.) We're creeping up on the elation of individuality, and it feels mighty good.

But yes, there is the possibility of being mother figures to our partners. (No fun, for sure.) But that's too easy and cheap a caricature of the cougar-as-partner, and I, for one, refuse to buy into it — a personal affront, perhaps, sparked by my open-mindedness on the subject. (I do tend to come off the fence and plant my feet firmly on the side of the world's young men.) But if it seems unrealistic, not possible in this very real world, do me the favor of reading on.

DEAR SUSAN: I've been called a cougar, but never by anyone who knows me; I'm not fond of the word. Maybe they refer to me that way when I'm not around, but never to my face. My husband is 31, and I'm 51. I've dated older men (men my age), but I've always gotten along better with younger ones; they're more likely to be spontaneous and fun. Older men were never interested in me, either. Perhaps they were looking for younger women! Anyway, my husband and I are perfect for each other, and his parents agree. — Laura M., Santa Rosa, Calif.

DEAR LAURA: My experience jives with yours. Young eyes tend to smile more, to see the joke that's at the center of this ol' world — and laugh along with the wry humor. Granted, it comes with a dash of cynicism, but sunny rays still manage to poke through often enough to keep us anticipating our tomorrows. Their elders have seen too much to be the optimistic partners most of us want and have reacted to their life experiences by tightening their grips on their women. (And yes, I can see that women might have the same reflex with their younger partners. That's also a possible scenario, but it's a much rarer one, given the current scarcity of the cougar dynamic.) Things may well change and shift in favor of this dynamic duo, but not for a while. A long while, might I add.) Until then, dear cougars and cougars-to-be, work on your self-confidence level so you can at least feel secure enough with the younger generation to make your choice out of true feelings rather than out of shaky fears. Think about it.

Write to Susan Deitz in care of this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com.

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