Child of Divorce Speaks by Susan Deitz on Creators.com

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Child of Divorce Speaks

DEAR SUSAN: My brother and I grew up with a single, dating mom. Before I was 16, I had no idea she was dating; she must have gone out during my visits with my dad. As I grew older and more aware of sex and relationships, she would bring boyfriends home for us to meet. I didn't resent her for it, because I was sure we were her No. 1 priority. I admit that it was sometimes embarrassing to see them embracing and to hear sexual noises, but it was no different from what the children of married couples around me saw.

I'm glad Mom didn't act as if her sex life was something to be ashamed of. She balanced selflessness as a parent with the message that sex and relationships are a healthy part of life, even if you're not ready to get married. She did date a few people during my adolescence, but I certainly didn't see a "parade of strangers." And I think you're being unrealistic about the economics of single parenting. Where exactly does a lone parent find the time and money to have sex elsewhere? My mom spent most of her time and money raising us; there wasn't money to be spent on baby sitters and romantic hideaways. Mom and I had frank discussions about sex and men, and it allowed me to be more honest with her than most of my friends in two-parent families were with their parents.

I'm happily married now. I had a healthy dating life while I was single, so I would hardly consider myself scarred by her behavior. In fact, I consider myself lucky to have such a close relationship with my mom and a firm grasp of dating reality. If your single-parent readers are as honest with themselves and their daughters as my mother was with me, you should give them kudos, not your negative judgment. — Alexis D., Long Island, N.Y.

DEAR ALEXIS: Right on.

The trouble is many single moms don't level with their children on issues of sex. Many times they're confused, unsure and baffled by being sandwiched between love for their families and emotional neediness. Too many opportunities for open discussion go by because of embarrassed or indecisive parenting. Believe me; I don't sit here as judge and jury on this or any other issue. I was a widowed single mom who made mistakes. I know better now, but the moment has passed. Still, I can pass along lessons I learned (the hard way), wanting to help other single moms and dads. Certainly not as a paragon of virtue, but as a fellow traveler. Your mom was a friend and mentor. Take note, single parents.

DEAR SUSAN: I am amazed to read how many men, your readers, have had the misfortune to meet so many shallow and superficial women. These bitter men describe themselves as nice guys, rejected for not having lots of money or prestigious jobs and for being too nice. They remind me of a man I knew who had the very same complaints. I knew him for some time and was romantically involved with him briefly. Some nice things he did: Badgered my close friend for a date in my presence. Ogled other women while ignoring me. Criticized my taste in clothes, advising me where to look sexier. Gave me flowers he had bought for someone else. Accepted my invitation to go to a bookstore, getting enraged when my invitation didn't mean having sex at his place. Became enraged (again) at my refusal to have sex and said he probably should rape me. Susan, I can only conclude that the "superficial and shallow" women who rejected these men (mainly from Long Island) had amazingly deep perception. — Long Island Lady

DEAR LONG ISLAND LADY: Do yourself (and me) a humungous favor and stay away from men of any locale for a while. A long, long while. There's so much hostility in your female frame that it could explode at any time. Wow.

Write to Susan Deitz in care of this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com.

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Susan:
Wow, are you ever completely and utterly wrong in your response to Long Island Lady. She's right about a lot of the men who claim they're "nice" and that women don't appreciate them. I've known a few of those men myself and they're rarely anything but boorish and clueless. One of them found it endlessly amusing to go online, pretending to be a woman, and engaging in nasty sexual conversations with other men. Another was highly critical of every female he saw,usually about her weight and/or breast size, while strutting around sporting an enormous gut. Another persisted in giving anyone who would listen a rundown on his latest dates, with all the gory details, and then couldn't understand why none of the women who knew him would go out with him, since he was so "nice" to them. I could go on, but I fear I risk being labeled "hostile" by a clearly boorish and clueless advice columnist.

Comment: #1
Posted by: Lisa McCue
Sat Jan 23, 2010 6:53 AM