Single File by Susan Deitz

Sex being a clear barometer of relatedness between adults (i.e., the state of their relationship), let's look at the positive side of this most important gauge. For a change, let's explore its upside usage. Sexuality has the possibility, distinct but underutilized (and underappreciated), of being expression of appreciation. After all, the opposite is true (and much more often discussed in sex therapists' offices), i.e., anger and hostility sometimes are expressed by the withholding of sex. So — for a change of scene — let's imagine a harmonious bedding that includes thankfulness, even gratitude, for parts of the relationship expressed outside the bedroom. The possibility gets precious little ink, but this is one of those rare media moments when it's discussed — and, yes, encouraged. When I mentioned it to a television host, she hooted and howled. She had never heard of it — or anything even remotely similar — and glommed onto it with high glee.

When you think about it, sexuality is the clearest expression of feelings between partners. In bed — stripped of any shred of pretense (aka clothing), bared in body and in soul and entirely honest — what you see is what you get. That venue allows us to be ourselves, the sum total of all we are and all we have been; there can be no fudging our true selves. Masks slip with time, but in bed, that time shortens dramatically. We are bared and vulnerable to only one person, which makes it the optimum setting to show appreciation for all he or she is.

With every action, every adjustment of the flesh for mutual comfort and delight, opportunity for gratitude is maximized. Spoken and unspoken, in the subtle ways only lovers have, they have the chance for sweet payback. Gentleness, tenderness and soft caresses are all inspired by the safety and privacy afforded by the bedroom.

It can contain their entire world of feelings. Too often lost in the busyness of daily life, the signs of genuine caring come into their own in the room reserved for the most private of communication. There, mutual consent makes it known to both partners that anything goes.

What is pleasure for the one brings joy to the other. The mindsets are as one, intent only on dallying in pleasurable leisure to sip pure delight from each other's thrills. There is no role rigidly played out, no inhibiting of spontaneity; lovemaking takes place in an aura of total, uninhibited freedom. No judgment is passed, silent or expressed. Mutuality is agreed on, with absolutely no selfish thoughts. When enjoyment isn't mutual, adjustments are made until it is. Bed is where souls can unite and become more than each of them separately. It is the place for communion between flesh and spirit, where lovers can emerge refreshed and revitalized, more in touch with themselves and their partners. Bed can inspire two lovers to touch each other's soul. And emerge closer for the joining.

This is the potential that sex possesses. When you're faced with anything less, with uncaring gymnastics that are devoid of meaning and feeling, go home alone. Junk sex is a cheap commodity on the market. Without caring and commitment, the soul is starved for the nutrients it needs. Worst of all, you don‘t need the regrets and bad feelings that follow second-rate sex. You can do better than that. It may take time, but imagine what can come: a soul mate who brings with him or her an entirely new way of loving. While you're waiting, be sustained by the bliss to come, the joy of sex of that magnitude. Patience will reward you with physical union that is truly spiritual communion; you will express your gratitude in many venues, one of them in the bedroom.

Write to Susan Deitz in care of this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com.

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