Autonomy and Cookies by Susan Deitz on Creators.com

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Autonomy and Cookies

There are some letters worth recalling for their innate wisdom. Consider this one from a New Yorker — male by gender, divorced by choice. He happened to be one of the 1,900 unmarried men and women who took part in my nationwide survey focused on sexuality and its spinoff issues. Along with his completed questionnaire came this:

"I'm recently divorced and happy to be. Now at least I can eat cookies in bed without being nagged about the crumbs. Yes, I'm glad about that part of my single life. But what makes me sad is the fact that there's no one who cares about those crumbs, no one who does anything when they start to pile up."

And that, friends, is the dilemma of singleness in a nutshell (or should I say wafer?!). We all want the independence and freedom of being on our own. We wouldn't surrender our freedom for anything. There's no one breathing down our necks, no one saying "why didn't you?" or "why did you?" That's a great feeling of release, especially when coming out of a bad marriage. For a while, it's euphoria. But after a while (pretty soon, for most of us), you turn around and the reality hits you smack in the face that no one really gives a damn. No one cares enough to care about your actions, your choices, your life.

In Janis Joplin's words, "Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose." (Pause.)

Freedom by itself, without purpose or community, means next to nothing. Between you and me, it's aimless wandering. And that's not the makings of a life — not a life I would wish for you, anyway. And my plumb line into the single world tells me that 99.9 percent of you are in agreement. You want a partner, someone to hold close and rub your back when the going gets tough. And it does, for sure. So it's agreed; the good life combines caring and independence in one relationship. One person.

The good news? It's entirely possible to have that delightful duo with one delightful Other. But — you knew it was coming — it requires effort and will and conscious thought. (Still, I wouldn't pen these words if I didn't believe it more than possible.) But before that, you must come to terms with the cookies issue, the tug of war between sovereignty and fellowship. The struggle continues to the last day. But it is the pulse of couplehood; without it, relationship loses vitality and dies.

So, what will it be? A bed littered with crumbs of your favorite cookie, lone master of the universe, or accepting love's dare with faith and hope? Think about it while you're munching an Oreo.

Write to Susan Deitz in care of this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com.