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Intoxicating Love

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My boyfriend is one of the most amazing men I've ever met. He's super-smart, handsome and can hold a stimulating conversation. But there's one thing that really gets under my skin. He tends to downplay me and my abilities in public. Last weekend, he told his family, "She's not all that."

He says he's joking, but it hurts my feelings. I'm a strong woman who can stand up for herself, but I also want my future husband (?) to be proud of me and want to tell everyone how awesome I am. What say you? — Not Amused

Soul poison, NA. That's what you're sipping. A bitter and corrosive cocktail whose foul taste is made worse by the fact that your Mr. Amazing is the bartender.

Yes, it's a problem that he downplays you and your abilities. And please do check your own ego and actions. But even if your ego can beat up LeBron James' ego, your guy is still out of line with his ongoing attempts at belittlement. At best, it's bad form. At worst, it's passive-aggressive and powerfully undermining.

Sometimes problems like this are resolved by learning to step up and effectively communicate hurt feelings. You say you've done that, though. You told him it hurts you when he downplays your abilities publicly. He then glossed over your feelings with an excuse Freud would take to task and continues trumpeting his lame jokes at your expense. And to be clear, the public part only serves to give context to the behavior. Belittlement doesn't feel any better in the privacy of one's home.

Think about this carefully, NA.

Let it sink in. He downplays you and your abilities, knowing it hurts your feelings. He thinks it's funny and doesn't care that you don't — which brings me to his sense of humor, as "she's not all that" is unlikely to wow the witerati.

I'm no shrink, but I'll bet my dog's favorite squeaky that your stimulating conversationalist has some insecurities as to how he measures up.

With that, I suggest you take a good look at his qualities beyond looks and smarts before becoming Mrs. Amazing. Consider how you'll feel after 10 or 20 years of these comments when you're already feeling the acrid burn. Love should be more like a multivitamin and nothing like anthrax.

 

Totally Unsolicited

As a general rule, trial lawyers are trained to never ask a question of a witness to which they don't already know the answer. Along those lines, here's a shout out to everyone who considers themselves a someone:

Never demand of a stranger: "Do you know who I am?" In the aftermath, it's embarrassing that you said it at all. But it's painfully so when the answer is no, which is what happened when Reese Witherspoon recently posed the question to a Georgia state trooper who was arresting her husband on suspicion of DUI.

Keeping within the legal lexicon, with that single excited utterance, Witherspoon joined a divas club that includes Tara Reid and Dina Lohan. Now let me ask you something, and hands off the Google. Do you know who they are?

Follow Jessica on Twitter @sicaleigh, and ask her just about anything at askquestionable@gmail.com. To find out more about Jessica Leigh and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers, visit creators.com.

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Comments

4 Comments | Post Comment
Re: Not Amused- Please listen to Jessica. Run far. Run fast. It will never get any better. If he thought you were talented, great, and so on, he would say so, with no prompting from you. The fact that you ASKED for it, and he not only refuses to do it, but he actually does the OPPOSITE, means that he (1) does not hold you in high esteem, (2) he passive-aggressively torments you, and (3) he thinks he is amusing. You deserve much better than the likes of him. Dump him. Now.
Comment: #1
Posted by: Patty Bear
Mon May 6, 2013 6:06 PM
He may also be putting you down because he's afraid for anyone to think he's too close or he's afraid of any commitment. You don't deserve to be treated like that. Tell him to end it, or you'll end it. It's that simple.
Comment: #2
Posted by: Laurie
Thu May 9, 2013 3:14 PM
LW1 -
He is not joking and he knows perfectly well this is hurtful - that's why he's doing it. This "amazing, interesting and intelligent" man has neverless no self-esteem, that's why he needs to undermine the one of those he feels are big enough, so he can feel taller. And, once you've been destroyed, BECOME taller.

I don't know how long you've been subjected to this mind poison, as Jessica aptly calls it, but it's too long already. Tell him he needs to consult a professional to address his issues yesterday, or you're done. Do give him ONE chance to to pick himself up, but if he doesn't address it right away, DTMFA. Or prepare youself to a lifetime of emotional erosion. In the meantime, get up, leave and just leave him standing there every time he does that.

If you continue tolerating this, I can guarantee you that there will come a time when you're firmly convinced that you HAVE no abilities, because this is the purpose of the manoeuvre. And, believe me, it worls VERY WELL. Given enough time, dripping water will carve a hole through rock. Been there, seen that.

Comment: #3
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Sat May 11, 2013 6:33 AM
LW1 - Let me make this very clear... your amazing guy is a bully. Bullies, when confronted, will always turn the table on you by making you feel guilty because after all, he is just joking. Now maybe he doesn't want others to know how serious he is getting in his relationship with others, but that is a big red flag of immaturity. I agree with the other respondents. Let him know it is unacceptable behavior, if he doesn't knock it off, you will make a trip to the nearest exit.... be sure to follow through.
Comment: #4
Posted by: jajjaaj
Mon May 13, 2013 7:56 AM
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