Dear John: I've just ended an abusive marriage. After leaving my husband, I have started seeing a man who is about five years younger than me, and once again, I have gotten burned pretty badly.

I think he saw me as an easy target because of my recent divorce. Since we quickly got intimate, I know I skipped some very important steps in the dating process. What signs can I look for that a potential soul mate has serious intentions? How do you know it's time to move from uncertainty to intimacy? —Time to Get it Right, in Austin, Texas

Dear Get it Right: At different stages in your life, you are going to have different needs. It sounds as if, at this stage of your life, you are looking for a serious relationship. Rushing into intimacy as a way to determine if a relationship will develop into something long term is not your best option. Time is the determining factor in whether someone is right or wrong for you. So if you're intent on looking long term, hold off. Give yourself time to let your certainty grow. By doing this, when the right time comes, you'll know it.

Dear John: What to do men mean when they say they "just want to be friends"? It seems that every relationship I have encountered ended when they found someone else to marry, while I get "We're just friends," or "Nothing personal, but the chemistry just isn't there." —Where Am I Going Wrong, in Providence, R.I.

Dear Wrong: Commonly, when someone ends a relationship, he or she doesn't want to hurt the other person's feelings. The term, "I want to stay friends," can thus be interpreted as a nice way of saying, "I don't want to have a sexual relationship with you," or "I don't feel that I want to share the rest of my life with you." While women build up to sexual chemistry, men feel it immediately and realize more quickly than their partner when the passion has dissipated.

The issue here is compatibility: finding a relationship in which you are appreciated for the unique values that you bring to the life of that special person who is right for you. This is why you shouldn't take it personally.

Just as there is a right role for every actor, and actors get turned down for many roles for many reasons, successful relationships are about making the right connection. While you may feel that you've been turned down a lot, the truth is that three or four failures can feel like a hundred when our heart is on the line.

Keep searching: I'm certain that the role of a lifetime is still waiting for you.

John Gray is the author of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus." Visit his website, http://www.marsvenus.com, for advice on dating, marriage, parenting, romance and workplace issues. Or email him at [email protected]. To find out more about John Gray and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.