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Unhealthy Attraction Dear John: I have a crush on a woman at my work. She is several years older than I am, and is married with two kids. I know that this is an unhealthy attraction. The trouble is, I don't know how to fall out of love with her. I'm extremely shy around …Read more. Temper Problems Causing Tiffs With Girlfriend Dear John: My girlfriend claims I am very argumentative — which I am. Needless to say, we fight constantly. Sometimes, though, I feel as if she is picking on me and that I have to defend myself. She says it's no use arguing with her, because …Read more. Divorce Is a Painful Experience Dear John: I have been divorced for two years now. I did not want the divorce, so it was a particularly painful experience. My ex-husband still attends my family gatherings. And it hurts every time I see him! Although my children are from another …Read more. Physical Relationship With Co-Worker Becoming Complicated Dear John: A couple of months after starting a new job, one of my colleagues and I got physically involved after an office party. Unfortunately, now he has informed me that he is steadily seeing someone else. Still, he'd like us to "stay friends." …Read more.
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My Husband Spends More Time With Porn Than Me

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Dear John: Why are some men so fascinated with adult magazines? Fred and I have been married almost 19 years. During this time, he has always been obsessed with these publications. He also looks at adult videos, pornographic web sites and singles chat rooms. In the meantime, we talk less. —Something's Got to Give, in Salem, Ore.

Dear Got to Give: How you communicate about this issue will make a world of difference in how he responds. If you reprimand him like a mother, he will hide his action from you, and this will make the situation worse.

The real issue here may not be what he is doing in his spare time, but that he is spending less time doing things with you. It is making you feel unimportant and neglected. In that regard, you can be the catalyst for change. Ask for more time together: to go places and do things that give you mutual enjoyment. Sometimes interest in vicarious sex is based on a void we feel in our own lives. If you can help him fill that void, it will strengthen your marriage and re-ignite the passion that brought you together in the first place.

Dear John: I'm a 25-year-old female who is very uncertain about flirting. I don't know when to flirt, and honestly, I guess I don't know how.

What flirting signs are guys looking for that will turn them on, not off? —Not Adorkable, in Reno, Nev.

Dear Not Adorkable: So many of us fall down on our flirting skills because we don't simply let our natural instincts take over. Just like you naturally float in water, flirting is built into all of us as part of our human nature. So don't over think your every step and give a greater chance to your instincts to take the lead.

For example, know that a guy who has interest in you is very attuned to your every move. To that guy small moves make a much greater impact than those that are very obvious, which might have the opposite effect and turn him off. A small smile, a light touch of your hand on his arm and a little laugh will fire up his imagination and invite him to take a step closer. Remember that in the animal kingdom flirting is an integral part of the mating dance. When it comes to the world of romance, it's a jungle out there, so let your instincts be your guide.

John Gray is the author of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus." Visit his website, http://www.marsvenus.com, for advice on dating, marriage, parenting, romance and workplace issues. Or e-mail him at comments@marsvenus.com. To find out more about John Gray and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

COPYRIGHT 2011 JOHN GRAY'S MARS VENUS ADVICE



Comments

4 Comments | Post Comment
LW1: Point one - porn is a fantasy, you're the reality. Point two - porn don't nag. Solution - if you want your husband back start acting like a wife and less like a mother. You're a sexual being until you die - work with that.
Comment: #1
Posted by: Diana
Thu Oct 6, 2011 8:56 AM
LW1 :

Sounds like this has been an issue in your marriage for a while and no " stop acting like a mom "
and start having wild sex at your age will probably work. Yes, you are the reality and he prefers to spend his time in fantasy land. I guess the big question is have you ever communicated to him that you don't want him to "check out" When a man checks out of real life and into Pornland, it could be for any number of reasons, usually unmet wants like not enough sex or emotional scars that have nothing to do with you (ergo you can't fix it). If you have talked to him and he continues to do it, well, you really have to decide if you want to stay with him or not.

If I read it right, you didn't ask for help solving the problem, you wanted information as to why men looked at porn. A sad question as it seems you've accepted it's here to stay in your life, you just want to know why. I highly suggest you go to the internet and type in " help understanding porn use. " " no porn forum" or something like that. A lot of families have been destroyed by 1 members porn use and there are some great books and support forums out there to understand why you feel this way and other spouses to guide and support you. Most of the places out there understand casual porn use is not going to undermine a marriage but you seem to indicate it's been around in your life for a long time.
Comment: #2
Posted by: Jess
Fri Oct 7, 2011 5:30 AM
RE: Porn Widow

OK, Madam. You say that your husband has always liked porn and you've been tolerating this for 19 years, and you're just complaining about this NOW?

In my experiences with men, most of them do view porn whether or not we want them to. But most men haveLW1, some sense of boundaries and decorum about it. They don't throw the porn in your face or do it in front of you unless it's a part of fun sexual bonding (that's bonding you bad people!). Most guys that I know that look at a LOT of porn are either not getting any at home (and it is their "safe escape") or are obsessed with it to a point where no woman can compete with the fantasy.

If I were advising LW1, I would suggest she insist on counseling or go to a divorce attorney. there is nothing as demoralizing to a woman as knowing she can't satisfy her man. trust me honey, there are men out there for who you will be the full package.
Comment: #3
Posted by: nanchan
Sat Oct 8, 2011 2:48 PM
To me, even more troubling than the porn is the fact that he's frequenting singles chat rooms. He's not single, and hasn't been for 19 years. It may be that while he has always looked at porn, it's gotten more excessive lately, so that he's looking to make the fantasy a reality. That's big trouble, and this woman should address it right away.
Comment: #4
Posted by: JMG
Sat Oct 8, 2011 6:16 PM
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