Mars and Venus by John Gray

Dear John: Although we have been separated for almost a year, I'd like to reconcile with my ex-husband. He and I had an amicable parting of the ways, and have been in contact weekly because of our children. I have posed this to him; needless to say he is reticent, since I am the one who initiated divorce proceedings after 13 years of marriage. He assumes I had a lover, but that is not the case — although I have never denied it. Any suggestions? — What's the Harm, in Fargo, N.D.

Dear What's the Harm: If you left him without any indication as to the real reason for wanting to separate, then of course, he's going to be wary of getting hurt again. The only way your getting back together will work is if you are honest about the reasons you left, and both of you are open about what you expect from this relationship.

Set up a meeting between the two of you, at a time when the children are not present. Before that time, let him know what you want to discuss, and ask him be open to hear what you have to say. You should also reinforce your commitment to be open to what he has to say as well. Be prepared to hear his anger and hurt over your leaving. By acknowledging his feelings, you both will be able to move beyond his justifiable pain. You should then work together in establishing ground rules within the relationship that will determine the way in which you both behave and communicate with each other in the future. If what you both want is to be together, then open ears and an open heart will be essential in getting you back on course.

Dear John: I've been dating this guy for half a year now, and I like him a lot. The only time we have ever argued is over his children. I have a 7-year-old that lives with me, and he has an 8-year-old and a 13-year-old that live with his ex-wife.

Although he is not their biological father, it seems that his kids are the only ones in his life that really matter. When he is with them, he forgets about everyone else. Last week he spent the night at his ex's house claiming that his daughter was sick and that she wanted him to stay. After I got over the shock that he would actually stay there, I was quite supportive. However, the following weekend he stayed there again, this time because he claims his son won't go stay at his place so this is the only way he can see him. When I ask him about this, he says it's for the kids, but I have my doubts. Do you think the real reason is that he wants to stay close to his ex? — Is He For Real? In Anniston, Ala.

Dear Is He For Real?: A child does not have to be one's own flesh and blood in order for a parent to want to be close. If you make that the issue, you will lose this battle, so don't even go there. If you keep inferring that he goes over there for his ex as opposed to his children, then his choice will be easier to make: he'll dump you, because you can't trust him.

Instead of making unsubstantiated accusations, focus on what you really want, which is more time with him. If, after six months, you are in fact seeing each other exclusively, you should be at the point where four to five evenings are spent together. Arrange your calendars jointly, but give him the space he needs to see other friends and of course, the children he has helped raise and with whom he clearly wants to stay close.

John Gray is the author of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus." If you have a question, write to John in care of this newspaper or by e-mail at: www.marsvenusliving.com. All questions are kept anonymous and will be paraphrased. To find out more about John Gray and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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