Mars and Venus by John Gray

Dear John: I'm having a hard time with a recent breakup. My ex-boyfriend and I seemed like a good fit. However, he was not ready for commitment, but now I see he is dating someone else. I know I am not. I am a strong, independent, fun, smart, mature and attractive woman ... So, why do I feel so lost? — Kicked to the Curb, in Ft Lauderdale, Fla.

Dear Kicked to the Curb: Dating puts us out there to be both cherished and rejected. We like the first, and dread the latter. That's understandable. That's why it's important that we never lose site of the bigger picture: who we are, what we value and what values we bring to a relationship.

You have no way of knowing what caused your ex to move on. There's a very good chance that he felt that the two of you were getting close too soon, and that scared him. Or, he may have just felt that the two of you weren't the match he wanted to make. Don't dwell on a topic for which you'll never have full knowledge. Instead, put your energy instead into new hobbies that will allow you to meet new people. Seek out old friends. Invite people over. Get involved in a cause that is near and dear to your heart. By doing so, you'll meet others just like you: strong, independent, fun, smart, mature, and attractive. And they, too, will be attracted to you, for all the right reasons.

Dear John: I am a student trying to write a paper.

How would you answer this question raised by author William Jelani Cobb: "With books and how-to guides that make it easier for people to survive the end of a marriage, are we running the risk of making divorce a cure-all for marital woe?" -? Learning New Lessons, in Washington, DC

Dear Learning New Lessons: No, not at all. If anything, I would imagine that self-help books have saved numerous relationships, because they give readers a broader perspective on the issue, which in turn allows the reader to avoid similar mistakes in the future.

Seeking guidance is the first step toward addressing any relationship issue. Doing so does not necessarily mean that the end result will be divorce. Sometimes guidance allows a person to see the problem in a new light, and to address it in a way that leads to reconciliation and an even stronger marital commitment.

Many people turn to self-help books for some initial guidance because they are not yet ready to discuss their problem with a friend, family member, a therapist, or even their spouse. And while the better books will draw a correlation between specific behaviors and average responses, books — including my own "Mars and Venus Starting Over" — are not a "cure-all for marital woe" because none can fully address the underlying issues of a single relationship.

After taking this first step, those wishing to overcome these issues are advised to take another: seek counseling with a licensed therapist, who can give them input as to the root of their issues. Two heads are sometimes better than one.