Mars and Venus by John Gray

Dear John: My husband "Alan" and I have been married for fourteen years. We have a couple of kids, and we both work in intense jobs. Our problem: We no longer talk to each other about US -- only about the kids and household issues. I really love my husband. I know how hard he works, and he's an excellent provider. Unfortunately, because of his schedule, he has no friends and essentially keeps to himself. I work hard, make an excellent salary and have numerous friends and community involvement, activities. How do I jumpstart our very dead marriage? -- Worried for Him, in Birmingham, Ala.

Dear Worried for Him: What's killed the passion between you is day-to-day domesticity. But great news: Love is like a battery: it can be jumpstarted, and recharged. I'm willing to bet that you can indeed put your relationship back on track -- if you are willing to stick it out.

While you seem more extroverted than him, what will solidify your marriage is the amount of time you spent together. You both need -- and deserve -- to do all the loving things you used to do when your lives revolved around just you and him. This means making the time to get away -- without the children. After this initial getaway, schedule a "date night" at least once a week. You should take turns planning where and when the date will take place, just like you both did prior to marriage. Then, at least once a quarter, schedule romantic weekend jaunts away.

Yes, finding a babysitter is a hassle and an expense, but it is well worth it if it saves your marriage. Ideally, you'll work periodic "kid swaps" with another overworked couple. Don't feel you have the time to get away? The most important thing in your life is your relationship, so make the time. All good things flow from your love. The more loving you are with your husband, the more cohesive your family will be as a total unit. All any child truly wants is for Mommy and Daddy to be happy -- together.

Dear John: I am a 62-year-old woman who has been a widow for a little over a year. I am interested in dating some men my age in hopes of finding a person with whom to share what is left of my life.

In the online profiles I read, the majority of men my age want to date women 15 to 25 years younger than themselves. Why is this so? Based on these expectations, I would be relegated to men in their 80s, and I don't wish to become a terminal care nurse -- at least not yet.

A woman of 35 to 45 frequently has teenagers, and most 62+ year-old men don't want to be a "step daddy" to somebody else's kids. They should also consider the fact that there might be a generation gap -- being over 60 is like being in a different culture! The present lifetime age expectancy of women is 82 and 77 for men. It would make sense for these men to look for a woman five years older than themselves in the hope of having a few more years together! What do you think? -- Still Got It, in Sacramento, Calif.

Dear Still Got It: While your suggestion that older men should go out with even older women might make sense demographically, it obviously doesn't work for many men on an emotional level. When an older man likes to be around younger women, it's because he sees it as a way of recapturing his own youth. Still, after experiencing it a couple of times, many men have figured out that a 40-year-old woman with children would rather baby her kids than baby him.

You are at a challenging age in which to rediscover love, but this goal is not impossible. At any age, your desirability is determined mostly by your attitude, and it sounds as if yours is most definitely youthful. In baseball vernacular, your success is determined by your "times up to bat." Take every opportunity to seek out life's experiences: join walking or dancing clubs, go on cruises and travel tours, and volunteer for a cause that is important to you. Your soul mate is out there. But he may not knock on your door -- so get out and find him.

"His Pals, and Her"

According to a recent Mars Venus/Redbook poll of 2,414 women, his friends are her friends. In fact, 61 percent of the respondents feel that his pals are OK guys. Another 31 percent admit that he could lose one or two of the ones who come off as Neanderthals. But only 8 percent feel as if they outright can't stand his entourage.

Full results are shown below. To take part in this week's Mars Venus/ Redbook poll, log on to: http://www.redbookmag.com.

 

Do you like his friends?

No, I can't stand them! 8 percent

Yes, they are nice guys. 61 percent

He should lose one or two. 31 percent

Total votes: 2,414

NOTE: Because poll percentages are rounded, total values may not work out to 100 percent. Poll results are not scientific and reflect only the opinions of those users who choose to partake.

John Gray is the author of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus." If you have a question, write to John in care of this newspaper or by e-mail at: www.marsvenus.com. All questions are kept anonymous and will be paraphrased. To find out more about John Gray and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

COPYRIGHT 2008 JOHN GRAY'S MARS VENUS ADVICE

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