Mars and Venus by John Gray

Dear John: I would like to know how you feel about circumcision. Do you think we should allow this society to continue to mutilate our babies? How does that affect them later in life? — Cutting Remarks, in Seattle, Wash.

Dear Cutting: Current research shows there is no valid health reason for circumcision. I am unaware, however, of any research on circumcision that demonstrates traumatic effects.

While I think you state your case strongly, you should remember that in many cultures this is a religious practice that is strictly followed, and will probably continue to be.

Medically speaking, however, I join many in the belief that this is an operation modern society can do without — which should probably please the HMO bean-counters.

Dear John: My 2-year-old son was diagnosed with cancer. I am happy to say he is surprising the doctors with his incredible strength and desire to live. On the whole, my husband and I have been working together through this unbelievable and greatly stressful situation. But we've encountered two difficulties: We have different coping mechanisms, and we've fallen into the stereotype that positions Mom as caretaker while Dad attempts to maintain a normal life.

Connecting these worlds sometimes seems impossible. We end up screaming at each other instead of giving each other the support we need. Except for the information we've garnered through an Internet support group, there is absolutely no information anywhere about the importance of teamwork and communication between couples when dealing with this and other long-term medical problems.

Dear Relationship Rx: I don't think there is any time that a couple could be under greater stress than when the life of their child is hanging in the balance. Your situation is so frustrating because what your child is facing is more powerful than your ability to nurture, and it leaves your husband feeling powerless because the outcome of this situation is beyond his control.

Society has indeed limited the roles of both men and women. Few men have had a male role model who demonstrated shared care-giving skills. This helplessness moves many men toward being more adequate financial providers than caregivers.

Additionally, men and women cope with stress in different ways: Women want to talk things through, whereas men do not like to feel helpless in defending those they love and may retreat to a place where they can get their feelings in order. If your husband retreats into his "cave," don't follow him. Instead, wait until he has processed his pain and frustration before initiating a conversation.

When people feel as if they are under attack, they are going to defend themselves by attacking back, and they'll say and do things they may later regret. Should the strain of your situation bring you both to the boiling point, I suggest that either of you feel free to say, "I'm having difficulty talking about this right now. Give me time to think through what I have to say." Then, immediately go into another room.

The support you give each other must be as deep as the love you both have for your child. To all three of you, I send my prayers and very best wishes.