Mars and Venus by John Gray

Dear John: I've been with "Paul," a wonderful guy, for the last year. We're both in our 50s and this is our second time around, both with grown kids. We've managed to smooth out the wrinkles and adjust to each other really well, with the exception of one thing: Paul hates holidays. Everyone has some baggage, but this holiday thing is ridiculous!

He started destroying the joy of Christmas for me by Halloween, and he didn't stop until mid-January. Valentine's Day is coming up, and I expect to be miserable. What's the big deal to make, or find, or buy some little thing? To me, it truly is the thought that counts. One rose, a candy bar, a seashell, a pine cone, who cares? I even made him a list of 50 things under $50 he could get me. But, even this didn't work. Any suggestions? — Dreading It in Cincinnati

Dear Dreading It: For most of us, holidays are joyous times of year. We forget, however, that for some it can trigger painful memories of loss, loneliness, neglect and despair. Most typically, such feelings come from bad experiences, in childhood or as young adults. If someone is caught up in his own negative feelings about the holidays, he may not realize what this does to those who love him.

If most everything else in your relationship works, don't give up on Paul. Learn to live with this particular blind spot of Paul's in the hope that, eventually, he'll begin to see these days through your eyes. During these times, do what you can to keep him involved. Give, with no thought of receiving. Remember we receive love in so many other ways.

And finally, encourage Paul to seek counseling to uncover the real source of his holiday blues — not for you, but for sake of his own happiness.

Once he faces and releases his unhappy past, he will be able to join with you and others in feeling love and joy during these times, which is what holidays are really about.

Dear John: I have been in a committed relationship with "Sam" for almost two years now. Well, back in the day, he got a matching tattoo with his then-girlfriend. It's located in an intimate spot that, now, only I can see (since we're exclusive). Hers, I'm told, is in the same place.

I've been dealing with this for a long time, but (excuse the pun) it gets a little harder every day. Sam says he's willing to cover it up, but hasn't made it his top priority. How can we solve this? — Bad Ink in Charlottesville, Va.

Dear Bad Ink: I could suggest you turn the other cheek, but you might not want to hear that. (I like puns, too.) Whether this tattoo is a symbol, her initials or a map for buried treasure, pushing him to get it removed is only leading to his further resistance, so what's the point? His tattoo buddy is the past, and you are his future. Since you continue to make an issue out of it, you seem uncertain and insecure. There should be more to your guy than just what's carved onto his rear, so let it go.

Otherwise, find a guy who has a clean (ahem) slate. P.S.: This is a cautionary tale for having love notes carved onto intimate areas. Tattoo in haste, regret in leisure. Think about it.

John Gray is the author of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus." If you have a question, write to John in care of this newspaper or by e-mail at: comments@marsvenusliving.com. All questions are kept anonymous and will be paraphrased. To find out more about John Gray and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

COPYRIGHT 2010 JOHN GRAY'S MARS VENUS ADVICE