JOHN GRAY'S MEN ARE FROM MARS, WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS by John Gray on Creators.com

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JOHN GRAY'S MEN ARE FROM MARS, WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS

Dear John: I am in a budding relationship with a woman named "Carla." Recently, Carla found out she is terminally ill, and the news continues to get worse.

We live nearly 500 miles apart. Now Carla says she doesn't want us to see each other anymore because it will be too hard for her when, inevitably, we'll have to say our goodbyes. She doesn't want me to see her die, and she would prefer that I remember her as she was before her health changed. I understand, but it's hard knowing she is going through this without me at her side.

Should I honor her request or push her to allow me to help? — Always in my Heart in Anywhere, U.S.A.

Dear Always in my Heart: Write a letter that expresses your love and your wish to support her at this time. Explain that your love for her transcends her physical condition, and that what you love, and have always loved, is the wonderful soul she carries within. Let her know that you are willing to do anything she asks, and should she change her mind, you are there for her.

After stating this, take any answer she gives you with courage and no regrets. Remember that honoring her wishes, whatever those may be, is the greatest gift you can give her.

Dear John: I'm not sure, but I think I suffer from acute PMS. Sadly, my monthly cramps are creating absolute havoc in my life and in my relationship. Is this common? Do you have any relationship advice for ways couples can proactively cope when caught in the turmoil of PMDD? Thanks in advance for your answer! — Hurting in Pismo Beach, Calif.

Dear Hurting: Many women do suffer distinct physical and emotional changes related to their menstrual cycles, which can lead to debilitating problems. It is known as PMDD or premenstrual dysphoric disorder.

This condition, although not yet officially accepted by the American Psychiatric Association as a medical condition, has been listed in the appendix of that group's diagnostic manual — recognition that it is a real condition meriting true concern.

Whenever any of us feels "out of control" physically and emotionally, we may unwittingly lash out at those who love us the most.

In response, your partner may also react in anger out of resentment that he is helpless in taking away your pain. To both of you, consider this:

1) Recognize PMDD causes true physical pain to those it afflicts.

2) Sufferers may not be able to control what they are feeling, either physically or emotionally.

3) Because of this condition's debilitating effects, a loved one's support is best shown through empathy. It won't be easy. If things get tough, take a walk around the block to cool off, but never let your partner doubt that you are there for her.

4) PMDD sufferer: Consider developing a "code" that signals to your partner that you are having a particularly bad episode and that he should emotionally prepare himself for changes in you.

5) After a PMDD episode, PMDD sufferers should acknowledge their appreciation of their families' support during this stressful time.

I commend you for your efforts to provide an outlet for PMDD sufferers and their loved ones. Those seeking support can find it at Massachusetts General Hospital's Center for Women's Mental Health, which addresses this disorder in a comprehensive manner. I wish you luck in finding the help you need.

John Gray is the author of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus." If you have a question, write to John in care of this newspaper or by e-mail at: comments@marsvenusliving.com. All questions are kept anonymous and will be paraphrased. To find out more about John Gray and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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4 Comments | Post Comment

"Carla" is making a huge mistake. While accepting her situation and planning for her death are important, she needs to plan for life as well. Some terminally ill people live for years. Some live long enough to see effective new treatments become available. J.W. Marriott was given six months to a year to live in 1935. He lived 50 years. The time to don the shroud is when you're dead, and not one minute sooner.

Comment: #1
Posted by: Carla
Sun Mar 21, 2010 5:42 AM

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Carla has entered a grieving period where she is trying to come to grips with her diagnosis and handle the turmoil it is creating. She may not wish to continue a "budding" romance--not have the emotional energy, especially for someone so far away. She might also be afraid of the real possibility of his pulling out when things get bad. A "budding" romance isn't a commitment. I, too, hope she continues living her life. John should write his letter, honor her wishes, and follow her lead. She might have wanted to break off this relationship even if she hadn't gotten the bad news. He should not push.

As for PMDD, the young woman needs to see her doctor to get whatever medication she can to handle this problem--the cramps, water buildup, etc. that can make you unable to cope. She needs to read about anything she can do to reduce the physical effects. If she keeps going into rages, she needs to get some short-term therapy to help her find better ways to deal with this. She needs to keep in mind that this doesn't give her license to fly off the handle whenever she wishes. That alone might help her keep her behavior within reasonable bounds. As a female, I can tell you that what she is going through is real. I often wondered if there was some pressure on the brain because of water build up.

Comment: #2
Posted by: BB
Sun Mar 21, 2010 9:06 AM

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John is right that we may not be able to control how we "feel" when we have PMDD. However, he misses the main point, which is that we CAN control how we act. This is the crux of things. Yes, the hormones and emotions that flare up at that time of month are real and can come out of the blue. But no, we can't use it as an excuse to be abusive to our partners, children, whomever. Pain, physical or emotional, can be difficult to deal with, but we still need to make the effort to be decent to other people.

Comment: #3
Posted by: sarah morrow
Tue Mar 23, 2010 8:15 AM

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I had to write about the PMDD comment having undergone IVF twice and having experienced severe PMDD symptoms after wards due to hormonal imbalance. I always had mild PMS and after IVF, started experiencing terrible PMDD symptoms. Crying uncontrollably for hours and getting very angry for no reason would leave me miserable after wards. The episodes were horrible and terrifying both for me and my husband that we were filled with dread when that time of the month approached. My OB/GYN did not want to put me on any additional medication as I was already overloaded with hormones. Acupuncture for a couple of months along with Chinese Herbs helped me and the PMDD sufferer may want to try them for relief.

Comment: #4
Posted by: RR
Tue Mar 23, 2010 11:58 AM

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Mars and Venus by John Gray

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JOHN GRAY'S MEN ARE FROM MARS, WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS

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