Mars and Venus by John Gray

Dear John: If a gentleman is interested in me and I am not in him, all I have to do is tell him that I am a single mom with a handicapped son — that usually takes care of the problem. Of course, the reverse happens as well: If I am interested in a guy and he learns that my child is disabled and in a wheelchair, he quickly runs in the other direction.

In fact, in most cases, I have to ask men out on dates as opposed to the other way around. Please give some advice. — Always a Mom, Never a Girlfriend in St. Louis

Dear Mom First: As you already know, the dating world for single mothers — and fathers, for that matter — is more limited than the opportunities for singles without children. The fact that your child is handicapped can compound these limitations in many instances.

It's understandable how you could spiral into a negative view of your dating prospects, particularly if you use your situation as a barrier or a test in meeting others. I hope you won't allow this to happen. The right person is going to accept not only you, but also any challenges you face.

The more opportunities you give yourself for love to come into your life, the greater the chances are that the love you seek will find you. You can do this by involving yourself in as many social activities as your time and care restraints will allow. Are there organizations in your area that provide emotional or social support for parents of handicapped children? Are there church groups or civic clubs that promote social activities among single parents? Do you have a special interest you wish to pursue?

If so, get involved as soon as possible. By expanding your view of the world, the love you seek will find you.

Dear John: Six years ago, I married a man who is 11 years my senior. He was not allowed to have any friends when he was growing up, and he still has none to this day.

He has met three of my friends since we have been married. Others have wanted to meet him, but he has always refused. Now my friends don't even call to ask me to go anywhere because I always say, "No."

I don't feel that I should have to give up these outside relationships, especially since I have had these friendships for so long, but I am tired of the same argument when he knows I've talked to them. I have offered to go places so that we can meet new people, but he still insists that we don't need friends. Can you help? — Lonely for my Gal Pals in Livingston, N.J.

Dear Lonely: All healthy relationships need friendships outside the partnership in order to grow and gain perspective.

Your husband is continuing the legacy of abusive control that began during his own childhood. Unless he gets the professional help he needs, it will eventually tear the two of you apart.

Suggest that he join you for couples counseling. This will give both of you a forum to express your feelings and fears on the issue and to reconcile these differences. It would be wise for you to start this process as soon as possible.

Why? Because in a few years, your child will begin the process of initiating his or her own social life. You don't want your husband's legacy of distrust to continue into the next generation and hinder your child's personal growth. I know that it is difficult to confront tough issues, but for your sake and the sake of your child, you should do so immediately.

John Gray is the author of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus." If you have a question, write to John in care of this newspaper or by e-mail at: comments@marsvenusliving.com. All questions are kept anonymous and will be paraphrased. To find out more about John Gray and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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