Mars and Venus by John Gray

Dear John: Although I'm only 28 years old, I have yet to be in a relationship that lasted more than six weeks. Most of the time I don't get past a first or second date. And when I do, what started out as a good possibility for a relationship boils down to nothing more than "just friends." When I try to be aggressive, I am told I am a tease. When I play it cool, I am told I am just like their kid sister or best guy friend.

I always let who I am shine through, but there seems to be something lost in the translation. And I always seem to be that girl they dated right before they found "the one." How does a single girl get past the game playing, to find the "happily ever after" that everyone around me seems to be finding these days?

I don't expect any miracles, but if you could point me in the right direction, I'd be very grateful. — Never the One in San Diego

Dear Never the One: The first thing you have to do is to get out of the mindset that you are in a race to find a soul mate. Take yourself off the clock. When it happens, you'll know it.

Next, recognize that your true goal — particularly in your mid-20s — should be your own personal fulfillment. To accomplish this goal, you should be steering your life in a direction that suits your needs, not that of those you feel you may be attracted to.

You do this by being yourself — and don't ever feel you must apologize if who you are doesn't fit into your date's scheme as to who you should be.

Consider activities that play to your strengths. For example, if you like hiking or sports, join organizations that allow you to enjoy these activities. If you love to travel, join a singles travel group. If your work is a passion, get active in professional organizations. By doing these things, you will find others whose interests align with your own.

Dear John: My wife of 20 years, "Lori," tells me that she feels emotionally tired and that she is now incapable of feeling anything for me or us. Lori says this is because of my negative attitude and our arguing. She says she feels like there is nothing more that can be done — even if I change my ways, she cannot change her own.

I feel there is power in my love for Lori. If we work at it, I think we can begin to improve things in time. I love her very much and realize that I have to work on my attitude toward our relationship. Is it too late to do so? — Now I'm Worried in Dallas

Dear Now I'm Worried: I'm guessing that this isn't the first you've heard of Lori's unhappiness. I would love to tell you that your vow to change will have the magical effect of turning her around on this issue, but I can't. If she has heard this before and hung in there, and you then let her down, she may now have reached a point of no return.

The only hope of salvaging this relationship is to ask her specifically what she feels should be changed in the relationship. Then make the commitment to do so again, and — here is the most important thing — faithfully follow through.

She may request a trial separation during this process. Even if this is the case, you should do everything that is needed to demonstrate that you love her and your desire to save your marriage. When it comes to relationships, the No. 1 rule is always: "Actions speak louder than words."

John Gray is the author of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus." If you have a question, write to John in care of this newspaper or by e-mail at: comments@marsvenusliving.com. All questions are kept anonymous and will be paraphrased. To find out more about John Gray and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

COPYRIGHT 2010 JOHN GRAY'S MARS VENUS ADVICE