Dear John: I know that you've previously given your two cents about how to handle husbands who enjoy Internet porn. You've pointed out that because males are visually stimulated, this should make the habit OK.
On the other hand, I'd like to point out that women also enjoy visual stimulation, but most of us don't use it as an emotional or physical escape. Women all over the world are frustrated with their husbands' porn habits! It makes us feel unhappy and betrayed. — Just My Two Cents in Macon, Ga.
Dear My Two Cents: Trust me, I hear your frustration and that of hundreds of others like you from around the globe. In order to spare their wives' feelings, I wrote that men who view porn should be more discreet about their interests when their spouses express hurt feelings over this behavior. I also suggested that "Feeling Defeated" ask her mate to limit his porn viewing to when she was out of the house, or to do so with the door shut.
I also received mail from women who don't feel threatened in the least from their husbands' porn viewing. Here's one such letter:
Dear John: Am I so unusual in that I am not threatened by my husband's (admittedly occasional) viewing of pornography? I have encouraged my husband to feel free to view porn at his leisure. I have to admit that I didn't always feel this way, but once I realized that he always came to bed with me afterward, and that he had never even dreamed of seriously pursuing another woman, I "gave him my blessing" so to speak — not like he really needed my permission. The less of a big deal I made of it, the less he did, too.
Because we are so open about what is arousing to him, I find that he makes a point of learning what is a turn-on for me.
My husband wants nothing more than our sex life to be satisfying to both of us — and he frequently succeeds. Why are women so threatened by "looking without touching"? Please sign me: — Happy Medium in Chicago
Dear Happy Medium: I'll be the first to admit that, according to my mailbag, you're in the minority, but by no means totally alone. I agree with you that if most men are told they can't do something, their temptation increases. This puts them in the position of lying to their wives: not a great idea. Realizing this, you seem to have addressed this issue in a realistic manner.
For those who want to take a stronger stand, I'd give them the same answer I gave "Feeling Defeated": If view he must, ask him to do it when you're not around.
And for a different angle on this issue:
Dear John: About the wives whose husbands watch pornography: What about husbands who never touch you and just watch pornography? — Another Perspective in Las Cruces, N.M.
Dear Another Perspective: It may feel as if his viewing of pornography is somehow a substitute for a loving physical relationship. It is not. His interest in porn is not at the root of this problem. Ask your husband to join you in counseling. The hope is that through this process, you will together find the answers you need to resurrect your relationship.
John Gray is the author of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus." If you have a question, write to John in care of this newspaper or by e-mail at: comments@marsvenusliving.com. All questions are kept anonymous and will be paraphrased. To find out more about John Gray and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.
COPYRIGHT 2010 JOHN GRAY'S MARS VENUS ADVICE
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8 Comments | Post Comment
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Maybe the number women who aren't bothered by their husband's porn habits is in a minority is because not enough of them wrote in to say so. I'm on team "not bothered". I used to kind of like porn myself but the attraction wore off years ago. So, I have some understand of why my husband likes porn. Also, I have some idea of his porn habits. His main source these days is the computer and it's not a constant thing with him. If I thought he had an addiction, I'd be much more concerned. But, I think he just likes it. So, I like reading vampire romances. Big deal. We haven't talked about it a lot but it's my guess he gets the same vicarious thrill out of looking at porn that I do out of reading these romances. I like the escapism. However, I'm not about to try to hunt down, some rich, hunky dude who likes the taste of blood in real life.
Comment: #1
Posted by: Irene Hollimon
Sun Feb 28, 2010 6:23 AM
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I also am not bothered by porn. If my husband wants to enjoy it, he should be able to without feeling guilty. Often I like to view pornography with him. It adds a little spice to our lovelife. After 20+ years of marriage, that's a plus. I think that most women don't mind, it's just the squeaky wheel prudes who tend to write in hoping for someone to validate their close-minded beliefs!
Comment: #2
Posted by: beth
Sun Feb 28, 2010 12:26 PM
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I can see right through both of you: you're just as bothered as anyone else but you want to be thought cool, hip, together. If you're so afraid of losing a guy that you'll allow him to degrade you in this way, go for it. But the squeaky wheel prudes, as one writer put it, have more guts in their little fingers than the two of you put together.
Comment: #3
Posted by: Pam
Sun Feb 28, 2010 3:31 PM
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Why would I be bothered if my husband looked at porn? Two big reasons.
1) Looking leads to touching. How long can someone look before wanting to know how soft her skin would feel, how her hair would smell? In order to keep from leaving for something "better", a guy has to not take that first step of coveting what he sees.
2) When my husband comes to my bed, I want him to be thinking of me. I don't want his body having sex with me while his mind is substituting someone else in my place. I don't want to be a piece of meat he satisfies himself with while he thinks of other women than me.
Bottom line, either he's mentally with you or he's mentally with other women while gearing up to physically be with those other women. I would much rather have a guy that is with me, both in mind and body.
Comment: #4
Posted by: Krystyne
Sun Feb 28, 2010 5:37 PM
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I am not bothered at all by my guy looking at porn. In fact when he is out of town and I am alone I myself will look at porn. Sometimes the same things he has looked at. If it was a secret he was keeping I may be upset but we are both very open about porn and masterbation. And our sex life is pretty amazing.
As for the fear of losing him being why I allow it that made me laugh. I am a complete person on my own if he leaves so be it. I looked at porn before him and will after him. Same for him.
Comment: #5
Posted by: Sterling
Mon Mar 1, 2010 7:24 AM
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I could care less if my guy looked at porn or not. As long as he isn't addicted to it or poses unrealistic expectations on the way I look or what I will do with him sexually, I simply do not find anything wrong with it. My guy thinks I am beautiful just the way i am. I agree with Sterling, it is laughable that I would be so insecure that I felt I had to allow him to look at it or he will leave me. That concept is just plain ignorant and only confirms your own insecurities.
I have never given my guy permission to look at porn, I have never denied him permission. I know he is a guy...if he wants to check it out, have at it. I don't know one way or the other if he does, it never comes up, because I just don't care. All that makes me is secure and confident in my relationship, one that is based on reality and trust.
Comment: #6
Posted by: Molly B
Wed Mar 3, 2010 11:01 AM
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Me and my bf EXCHANGE porn movies and tell each other about porn sites we find online. He knows I like voyeurism and I know he likes big butts! He knows I like real boobs I know he likes girls gone wild. We are both adults that like sex and understand the roll porn plays in our lives.
Plus, does anyone thinks for a second men can find these women and have sex with them? Really now. Even if they COULD these women are paid to act like this and they do it with 1000's of men and don't want some weirdo that saw them online.
Comment: #7
Posted by: takusan
Fri Mar 5, 2010 7:15 AM
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Unlike you all, I have a problem with my husband watching porn. I would not describe myself as a squeaky prude, unattractive, or insecure wife and I certainly don't need anyone to validate how I feel. This isn't about religion or control, I just want a mutually satisfying relationship both sexually and emotionally. I do understand however that people are different and therefore everyone's relationship is different and maybe porn really does enhance what you all have with your spouse.
My issue with my husband watching porn and masturbating (one in the same to me) is that it effects our level of intimacy and our sex life. He is dishonest and deceitful when it comes to this topic and very unwilling to share sexual fantasies. I however am very adventurous and willing to try new things, I suggested watching porn together and was quickly shot down. In fact while having sex, my husband is just like the men in the pornos, just there. He's quiet and typically fully dressed with his pants down. When asked to be romantic he literally rolls his eyes like I just asked him to take out the garbage in the middle of the super bowl during the last drive in a tied game in overtime! He would rather have sex like he were in a porno, just whip it out and put it in.
I've seriously have tried to cope with his habit, using the "all men do this, and I'm too inhibited" but I'm not. I hear you women who say they don't mind and watch porn with their men but once you realize how far his fascination with porn goes you might feel a little differently. Or maybe once he goes soft and hadn't came yet. I don't feel like I deserve this and after four years of the same thing I am truly wondering what am I doing here.
Comment: #8
Posted by: Lady
Tue May 18, 2010 4:56 PM
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