Mars and Venus by John Gray

Dear John: My husband, "Jeremy," and I have been divorced for a little more than three years, but we have never really separated. Jeremy and I continued to have an "on again-off again" relationship until a few months ago, which was when I told him I could no longer go on like this — without knowing where we're heading. Jeremy then met someone new. Recently, he announced that he had moved in with her and her 10-year-old daughter. He and I have a 5-year-old son, and I was crushed.

Now when Jeremy comes here, he displays regret for his decision, but says he cannot commit to changing it. He is afraid to move out of her house and stay with me. He says he would move out onto the street instead, which I would never let happen. We have been affectionate (but not sexual), and I know he loves me and wants our family to be together again.

What should I do to convince him this is the right thing to do? I am so desperate for this to be resolved, hopefully with his return to our lives. — The Way It Was in Nashville, Tenn.

Dear The Way It Was: Jeremy has received all of your messages, loud and clear: you want the marriage to continue. His message back to you is that he does not. You may be right, and this current relationship may not be the right one for him. However, only he can make that decision. If he decides that he wants something else, you must be prepared that whatever that is still may not be you.

The best way to prepare for this is to get on with your life — even if that means a life without Jeremy. The sooner you can come to that point, the happier you will be.

Dear John: My husband and I have been together for 16 years.

Recently, we got into a heated discussion over something we both feel very strongly about. At the end of the discussion, I told him I had changed my point of view. Granted we were both still feeling strongly about our opinions, but to my surprise, he would not accept my change of heart and told me he was going to stick with my original thoughts and move forward with the plan.

This is disturbing to me on a few different levels. What gives? — Flipping and Flopping in Boston

Dear Flipping and Flopping: Your guy is using a Martian solution and taking what he sees as the path of least resistance. It's not clear what positions you have taken, but it is clear that he simply does not know how to deal with your objections. So, he's imposed a solution that he wants to believe will reshape your thoughts on the issue. You don't see it that way, but he would rather pretend that you do.

What you have here is a failure to communicate. When a man breaks off communication, it is time to let him go off for a time, let things cool down and approach him later in a non-hostile manner. When men feel that they have no way out, they simply oppose any resolution other than their own. Take a different approach and come at the issue from a point of wanting a resolution that will work for both of you, and he may open up to revisit and finally resolve the situation.

John Gray is the author of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus." If you have a question, write to John in care of this newspaper or by e-mail at: comments@marsvenusliving.com. All questions are kept anonymous and will be paraphrased. To find out more about John Gray and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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