Mars and Venus by John Gray

Dear John: I've been married to my husband for nine years now. This past year, the blinders came off and I suddenly realized that "Fred" is, in fact, an idiot. All these years I presumed he was just quiet or shy. Sure, he has common sense and book smarts, but he cannot keep up with modern day events and the necessary wisdom it takes to live day to day. He's just plain dumb!

I set my goals high and I usually meet them. I've been working on something for the last four years that will be paying off soon, which will mean that I'll be making a lot more money. Fred is not the jealous type, which sometimes bothers me, because in my line of work there are a lot of good-looking men that can relate to me, even if Fred cannot.

I've tried to get him to read books that will help him be more assertive, but he refuses to read. Give me a reason why I should stick it out. — Over Him in Petaluma, Calif.

Dear Over Him: I think it's fair to say the magic has gone out of this relationship.

Smart and dumb have a lot to do with your point of view. That point of view changes as we learn and grow through life. Unfortunately, you have not grown in similar ways. Therefore, you now look at your husband and wonder what it was that you saw in him nine years ago.

Clearly this has been a source of frustration, and that which frustrates us makes us angry. But in this case, your anger is misplaced and counterproductive. Anger and adultery are not responsible solutions. Quit slinging mud and assigning blame.

Instead, if you feel the time has come for you to live your lives apart, let him know. But do so in a manner that takes responsibility for some of the reasons that things may have gone wrong.

Dear John: It would appear that I've been in the cave for a long time — so long, in fact that my girlfriend has withdrawn, too. This has been going on for a few weeks. She says she has put us on the back burner, and when she's ready, she'll talk.

What is she really saying? Does she want me to make a move and tell her that I'm ready to listen to her? Or is she saying that I've caused too much hurt and things are too far gone? If I had a clearer idea of how to react, I could make a positive move. — Mixed Signals in Macon, Ga.

Dear Mixed Signals: Sometimes women need cave time as well, but after acknowledging her need to take time to think things through, it doesn't hurt to let her know that you love and miss her. At this point, consider doing this in a non-intrusive manner: Send her a note that tells her how much you appreciate her patience. Better yet, include two-dozen roses with it.

Absence — both physical and emotional — does make the heart grow fonder, but sending our partners reminders of how much they mean to us allows reunions to be even sweeter.

John Gray is the author of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus." If you have a question, write to John in care of this newspaper or by e-mail at: comments@marsvenusliving.com. All questions are kept anonymous and will be paraphrased. To find out more about John Gray and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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