JOHN GRAY'S MEN ARE FROM MARS, WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS by John Gray on Creators.com

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JOHN GRAY'S MEN ARE FROM MARS, WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS

Dear John: I am a 34-year-old single mom of one. My dating pattern in life is that I am constantly with men who are down on their luck and need help! They have had awful childhoods or are alcoholics or have other emotional issues. My heart goes out to them, and I try to take them in and help them.

I know it stems from my own issues of low self-esteem and self-worth. Knowing this, why do I keep doing it? How do I work on stopping this terrible pattern? I should also mention that my father raised me from the age of 7 to 19 — or, I should say, I took care of him. Could that be what causes this behavior in my adulthood? — Breaking the Pattern in Richmond, Va.

Dear Breaking the Pattern: From what you describe, it may be true that your own personal history and lack of self-worth has you gravitating toward men who need to be "mothered." That said, you should also realize that you've taken the first step to overcome this pattern: You acknowledged that you have a problem and you want to overcome it.

Start by making a list of the personality traits that you would want to find in a soul mate. These may include a strong work ethic, a great sense of humor, honesty, trustworthiness and no substance abuse issues. If you're with Mr. Wrong, you won't find Mr. Right. Therefore, date many people and take your time in doing so. In other words, don't jump too quickly to make the relationship "exclusive."

As you go through this dating process, keep your list handy.

If your dates demonstrate traits that are counterproductive to your list, move on. Follow this method, and eventually you will run across a mate that is worthy of your commitment.

Dear John: I really like the new guy I've been dating for the past two months. I was wondering: How important is it for two people who are dating to meet each other's friends? — Next on the Agenda in Milwaukee

Dear Next on the Agenda: It's time now. I hope you agree.

That said, if your partner puts off meeting your friends, it may indicate that he is over-possessive or that he is insecure in his standing with you. And if he hesitates to introduce you to his friends, he may not feel that the relationship is serious enough to let them in on it. Either action would suggest that your final step would take you out the door.

Meeting friends and family is a statement that two people want to be more intimately involved with each other's lives. Seeing how other aspects of your life functioned prior to this special relationship allows us to see a fullness of character that we would not otherwise see. Don't wait for him, however, to take the social lead. Start introducing him to your friends and family. My guess is that after a brief time, he will want you to meet his friends as well.

John Gray is the author of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus." If you have a question, write to John in care of this newspaper or by e-mail at: comments@marsvenusliving.com. All questions are kept anonymous and will be paraphrased. To find out more about John Gray and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.