Boyfriend's Laziness in Academics Is Bothersome Dear John: It bothers me that my boyfriend, "Austin," is having trouble finishing up his undergraduate degree. I don't care as much about the diploma as I do his lack of energy in finishing what he has already started. I know Austin is highly …Read more. Marriage at a Dead End Dear John: My wife "Linda" and I are approaching our 19th anniversary. We are at a dead end in our relationship. We are both in our mid-40s, with high-pressure professional careers: Linda is a director of human resources, and I am a professor of …Read more. Ex-Husband Paying More Attention to New Family Dear John: My ex-husband "Ruben" got married one year after we divorced. We have two boys ages 16 and 20. The older son doesn't have much to do with his father. Our younger son sees him about once every month. After dating this woman for two months, …Read more. Great Guy Pal Needs to Come Out of His Cave Dear John: Recently I reconnected with a great guy pal. Our relationship goes back about 20 years, and we are both recently divorced. We were emailing and talking for about six months. He is introverted and definitely goes into his cave periodically.…Read more.more articles
JOHN GRAY'S MEN ARE FROM MARS, WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS
Dear John: My husband had an affair two years ago, and I've yet to get over it. I guess the real problem I am having is not about the affair itself, but the way "Jason" felt toward the other woman. After the affair was discovered, he showed so much emotion and feelings for her!
Here I was a complete wreck, and he felt sorry for her. He would tell me how wonderful she was at a time when I needed to hear that I was the one who was wonderful. Jason says he was with her just a few times, which makes it harder to hear that he felt more for her than he did during the nine years he has spent with me. He ended it when I found out, and he hasn't spoken to her since.
He says he loves me more now than ever before. I am trying so hard to make this work. I really do love him with all my heart, but it is just so hard. After two years, I still cry about it daily. I think about the whole affair at least three times a day, and I just can't seem to heal. I have so much anger, resentment and pain that some days I just can't take it anymore. — How Do You Mend a Broken Heart? in Marietta, Ga.
Dear How Do You Mend a Broken Heart: You're right. It's time that you heal this pain that you feel. That, however, cannot happen at this point, until Jason can act to regain your trust and you can learn to trust again.
Let me assure you, I get hundreds of letters from spouses — both women and men — who have gone through similar experiences. They have found it very difficult to put their partner's infidelity behind them so that the relationship can reaffirm itself and thrive again.
The process of healing begins when you openly address your pain. This can be done by first writing down exactly what you feel: Your sadness for growing apart in the first place; your anger over his infidelity; your hurt over his concern for her, and what you took to be his lack of concern for you; your need to hear his apology; and your hope that the two of you can once again grow together in love.
Your husband is still at your side because he needs your love and wants your forgiveness.
Dear John: I've recently met a wonderful man. Although he's in his 30s and I am in my 40s, we've really clicked. However, I have noticed some conflicts, which, I admit, could be attributed to our age difference. For example, he thinks that I should call him and initiate dates, and that I shouldn't hesitate to pay for half of the date.
I don't want him to think I'm being old-fashioned to insist he man up, but in all honestly, I do miss the 90s, which demonstrated the differences between dating and just being friends. Any suggestions? — Always a Lady in Bridgeport, Conn.
Dear Always a Lady: You don't have to be 45 years or older to be a gentleman wooing a lady. The courtesy that arises from love and respect is ageless and visible no matter when we were born. At the same time, you don't have to be 25 to be cheap, as I'm sure you witnessed in other dating situations.
This guy may not be "old school," but you can teach a new dog some old tricks. Don't be afraid to tell him what you want: If he waits for you to get in touch first, try holding off to see if he misses you enough to pick up the phone. If and when he finally asks you out, ask up front if the date is Dutch treat. If he says, yes, tell him that you'll pass. Enough passes and he'll get the message: You're not his pal; you're his date.
John Gray is the author of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus." If you have a question, write to John in care of this newspaper or by e-mail at: firstname.lastname@example.org. All questions are kept anonymous and will be paraphrased. To find out more about John Gray and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.
COPYRIGHT 2010 JOHN GRAY'S MARS VENUS ADVICE