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Temper Problems Causing Tiffs With Girlfriend Dear John: My girlfriend claims I am very argumentative — which I am. Needless to say, we fight constantly. Sometimes, though, I feel as if she is picking on me and that I have to defend myself. She says it's no use arguing with her, because …Read more. Divorce Is a Painful Experience Dear John: I have been divorced for two years now. I did not want the divorce, so it was a particularly painful experience. My ex-husband still attends my family gatherings. And it hurts every time I see him! Although my children are from another …Read more. Physical Relationship With Co-Worker Becoming Complicated Dear John: A couple of months after starting a new job, one of my colleagues and I got physically involved after an office party. Unfortunately, now he has informed me that he is steadily seeing someone else. Still, he'd like us to "stay friends." …Read more. Husband Trying to Make Amends for Mistakes Dear John: I'm a 41-year-old man married for 16 years to a great woman. Unfortunately, many times during our marriage, I have lied to her regarding simple matters, because I thought they were no big deal, and I didn't want to get her angry. For …Read more.
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JOHN GRAY'S MEN ARE FROM MARS, WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS

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Dear John: My husband had an affair two years ago, and I've yet to get over it. I guess the real problem I am having is not about the affair itself, but the way "Jason" felt toward the other woman. After the affair was discovered, he showed so much emotion and feelings for her!

Here I was a complete wreck, and he felt sorry for her. He would tell me how wonderful she was at a time when I needed to hear that I was the one who was wonderful. Jason says he was with her just a few times, which makes it harder to hear that he felt more for her than he did during the nine years he has spent with me. He ended it when I found out, and he hasn't spoken to her since.

He says he loves me more now than ever before. I am trying so hard to make this work. I really do love him with all my heart, but it is just so hard. After two years, I still cry about it daily. I think about the whole affair at least three times a day, and I just can't seem to heal. I have so much anger, resentment and pain that some days I just can't take it anymore. — How Do You Mend a Broken Heart? in Marietta, Ga.

Dear How Do You Mend a Broken Heart: You're right. It's time that you heal this pain that you feel. That, however, cannot happen at this point, until Jason can act to regain your trust and you can learn to trust again.

Let me assure you, I get hundreds of letters from spouses — both women and men — who have gone through similar experiences. They have found it very difficult to put their partner's infidelity behind them so that the relationship can reaffirm itself and thrive again.

The process of healing begins when you openly address your pain. This can be done by first writing down exactly what you feel: Your sadness for growing apart in the first place; your anger over his infidelity; your hurt over his concern for her, and what you took to be his lack of concern for you; your need to hear his apology; and your hope that the two of you can once again grow together in love.

Your husband is still at your side because he needs your love and wants your forgiveness.

Because he wants to heal this wound as well, he will listen to what you have to say. And he will work to reassure you, both in words and in actions, that he is once again worthy of your love and trust.

Dear John: I've recently met a wonderful man. Although he's in his 30s and I am in my 40s, we've really clicked. However, I have noticed some conflicts, which, I admit, could be attributed to our age difference. For example, he thinks that I should call him and initiate dates, and that I shouldn't hesitate to pay for half of the date.

I don't want him to think I'm being old-fashioned to insist he man up, but in all honestly, I do miss the 90s, which demonstrated the differences between dating and just being friends. Any suggestions? — Always a Lady in Bridgeport, Conn.

Dear Always a Lady: You don't have to be 45 years or older to be a gentleman wooing a lady. The courtesy that arises from love and respect is ageless and visible no matter when we were born. At the same time, you don't have to be 25 to be cheap, as I'm sure you witnessed in other dating situations.

This guy may not be "old school," but you can teach a new dog some old tricks. Don't be afraid to tell him what you want: If he waits for you to get in touch first, try holding off to see if he misses you enough to pick up the phone. If and when he finally asks you out, ask up front if the date is Dutch treat. If he says, yes, tell him that you'll pass. Enough passes and he'll get the message: You're not his pal; you're his date.

John Gray is the author of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus." If you have a question, write to John in care of this newspaper or by e-mail at: comments@marsvenusliving.com. All questions are kept anonymous and will be paraphrased. To find out more about John Gray and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

COPYRIGHT 2010 JOHN GRAY'S MARS VENUS ADVICE



Comments

4 Comments | Post Comment
Foul, John! You are constantly telling women things to empower them. Then you meekly agree with this 50's relic that a man should pay for everything in the relationship. We women can't have it both ways. We can expect the glass ceiling to be lifted so we can earn as much as men (as it should!), but then in the next breath lisp that the man has to pay cuz after all we are poor widdle women who need to be taken care of.
Comment: #1
Posted by: Pam
Sun Feb 14, 2010 3:58 AM
Gender has nothing to do with it. The person who does the inviting pays the tab. The lady can reciprocate by inviting him out and paying, or by making a home-cooked meal or assembling a picnic for an outing.
Comment: #2
Posted by: Carla
Sun Feb 14, 2010 11:44 AM
John, aren't you missing something? The advice to the 2yr crier is a little off. You're not addressing the fact that after 2 years this woman is still obsessed with the affair. That's not normal behavior. She should seek therapy to find out what is wrong with her. She comes off a little nuts.
Comment: #3
Posted by: Diana
Mon Feb 15, 2010 2:45 PM
hey john. Greeting from kishore....I am apriciat with your book Man are from Mars & Women from Venus, such a amazing book....
I did not like reading book before this. one of my friend sager suggest me this book for make a good relationship between me & my fience. so I started read this book...
ans I inspire such a very lovely book....
I wish if can do release this book in Indian language(Hindi) so people can understand easily.....
I hope you complete my desire.....
Thanks for give us such a lovely book
Regards,
Kishore Rajpurohit
Mumbai (India)

Comment: #4
Posted by: Kishore Rajpurohit
Wed Feb 17, 2010 9:20 AM
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