No Karmic Justice for the Nice Guy Dear John: Does what goes around really come around? I've been dumped hard several times! I'm beginning to believe that there is no justice in the dating game. Do women who dump nice guys really get their due later on? — Kicked to the Curb, in …Read more. Singles Don't Need Married Friends' Pity Dear John: Can you please tell married people to stop telling single people how lucky they are to be single? It is the most insulting thing they could say! I don't know why they think it's great to come back to an empty home, have no one to share …Read more. Ice-Breaker Help Needed Dear John: Two girlfriends and I are having a party next month. Each girl is supposed to bring a guy who is a good friend and, best yet, potential boyfriend material for the other girls. Can you give us a few pointers for conversation openers? …Read more. Happy at Home, Unsure about Moving in Dear John: I'm a 57-year-old widow. I've met someone who is 10 years older than me. I enjoy "Stephen's" company, and we have a lot in common. He now wants me to move in with him, but I have a house that is completely paid for, and I enjoy …Read more.more articles
JOHN GRAY'S MEN ARE FROM MARS, WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS
Dear John: My husband had an affair two years ago, and I've yet to get over it. I guess the real problem I am having is not about the affair itself, but the way "Jason" felt toward the other woman. After the affair was discovered, he showed so much emotion and feelings for her!
Here I was a complete wreck, and he felt sorry for her. He would tell me how wonderful she was at a time when I needed to hear that I was the one who was wonderful. Jason says he was with her just a few times, which makes it harder to hear that he felt more for her than he did during the nine years he has spent with me. He ended it when I found out, and he hasn't spoken to her since.
He says he loves me more now than ever before. I am trying so hard to make this work. I really do love him with all my heart, but it is just so hard. After two years, I still cry about it daily. I think about the whole affair at least three times a day, and I just can't seem to heal. I have so much anger, resentment and pain that some days I just can't take it anymore. — How Do You Mend a Broken Heart? in Marietta, Ga.
Dear How Do You Mend a Broken Heart: You're right. It's time that you heal this pain that you feel. That, however, cannot happen at this point, until Jason can act to regain your trust and you can learn to trust again.
Let me assure you, I get hundreds of letters from spouses — both women and men — who have gone through similar experiences. They have found it very difficult to put their partner's infidelity behind them so that the relationship can reaffirm itself and thrive again.
The process of healing begins when you openly address your pain. This can be done by first writing down exactly what you feel: Your sadness for growing apart in the first place; your anger over his infidelity; your hurt over his concern for her, and what you took to be his lack of concern for you; your need to hear his apology; and your hope that the two of you can once again grow together in love.
Your husband is still at your side because he needs your love and wants your forgiveness.
Dear John: I've recently met a wonderful man. Although he's in his 30s and I am in my 40s, we've really clicked. However, I have noticed some conflicts, which, I admit, could be attributed to our age difference. For example, he thinks that I should call him and initiate dates, and that I shouldn't hesitate to pay for half of the date.
I don't want him to think I'm being old-fashioned to insist he man up, but in all honestly, I do miss the 90s, which demonstrated the differences between dating and just being friends. Any suggestions? — Always a Lady in Bridgeport, Conn.
Dear Always a Lady: You don't have to be 45 years or older to be a gentleman wooing a lady. The courtesy that arises from love and respect is ageless and visible no matter when we were born. At the same time, you don't have to be 25 to be cheap, as I'm sure you witnessed in other dating situations.
This guy may not be "old school," but you can teach a new dog some old tricks. Don't be afraid to tell him what you want: If he waits for you to get in touch first, try holding off to see if he misses you enough to pick up the phone. If and when he finally asks you out, ask up front if the date is Dutch treat. If he says, yes, tell him that you'll pass. Enough passes and he'll get the message: You're not his pal; you're his date.
John Gray is the author of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus." If you have a question, write to John in care of this newspaper or by e-mail at: email@example.com. All questions are kept anonymous and will be paraphrased. To find out more about John Gray and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.
COPYRIGHT 2010 JOHN GRAY'S MARS VENUS ADVICE