Mars and Venus by John Gray

Dear John: My Mom has been seeing "Frank," a married man, for over 20 years now. This was part of the reason my parents split up. However, Frank stayed married, and although he left his wife to live with my mother, he has no intentions of marrying her.

They live near each other and spend most of their time together, but he happily maintains two separate lives: he always spends the holidays with his family.

My mother has never been introduced to his two children. They know of her, but do not like her at all. Last year he had open-heart surgery, but his kids refused to let us see him in the hospital. We had to call his secretary to see how he was doing!

Sadly, my mother relies on Frank for money. She now has macular degeneration and can't drive. I feel she needs to get away from this man, but I can't convince her. What would you suggest? — Worried About Her in San Diego

Dear Worried About Her: You are right in your assessment that this relationship leaves a lot to be desired. Because of his inability to commit to anyone, Frank has managed to leave everyone unhappy with this arrangement: the wife he deserted so many years ago, the woman he deserted her for, his children and the children of his lover.

Your concern for your mother is admirable. I'm guessing you've made the same case to her on numerous occasions. However, for many years now, she has known the score, which includes a financial and emotional dependency.

When she is ready to seek out the kind of happiness that comes with a fully committed relationship, you will be there at her side, cheering her on.

Until then, know that you've done all you can to help her recognize what she's missing. If you have not succeeded, don't blame yourself. Instead, use her situation as the example of what you won't settle for in your own life — and start living that life.

Dear John: I'm a 43-year-old woman of average height, weight and looks. I've been divorced for over two years. For six months now, I've tried almost everything to find a compatible partner. I've sent out e-mail responses by the dozens to online personal ads, but I've received only three replies. I usually contact them and send a photo along with my basic information. None of the respondents went beyond the first e-mail!

Am I not meeting their criteria, or are they not serious and just putting an ad out there to see how many people respond? — Online but Lonely in Detroit

Dear Online but Lonely: I've always felt that the special spark between a man and a woman is a spontaneous reaction. That's why online dating can never be a substitute for face-to-face meetings. If you have one or more passions — jogging, reading, creative writing, cycling, Scrabble, salsa dancing, whatever — just get out there and start doing it. The person you seek is out there, doing these things, too.

Here's the key: Don't go out with the intention of finding someone. Instead, go out with the goal of having fun and enjoying life, and the right man will find you.

John Gray is the author of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus." If you have a question, write to John in care of this newspaper or by e-mail at: comments@marsvenusliving.com. All questions are kept anonymous and will be paraphrased. To find out more about John Gray and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

COPYRIGHT 2010 JOHN GRAY'S MARS VENUS ADVICE