John Gray's Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, January 21

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John Gray's Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, January 21

Dear John: I am in a long-distance relationship and we have seemed to work out. "Louis" and I have a great time together and seem very compatible on most levels. Making love has always been extremely passionate for both of us. I am 42, divorced with two children. He is 44, never married and no children. He has shared with me that he would like a long-term relationship and is not totally content with being a "bachelor."

The major problem I have encountered is that he avoids conflict at all costs. I recently expressed that I was "hurt" when he planned a mini-vacation by himself and didn't ask me to go. This discussion resulted in us not seeing each other for three weeks now. I am just now getting him to open up to me, and he admits that he avoids conflict. In the past whenever conflict would arise, he would usually not bother working on the relationship and instead simply split up.

I can't believe that he feels two people can have a relationship with no conflict. I told him that there are always issues that arise that need discussing — no one is perfect. He says he is willing to try to work on this because he values what we have together. Can you help us with this? — At Odds in Melbourne, Fla.

Dear At Odds: For whatever reason, Larry does not have a positive image of long-term relationships. Quite often, this is a pattern you will see in those who were raised with parents in troubled relationships.

All couples argue, but not all couples know how or are willing to get past these difficulties. It is quite possible that during his earliest years, when he was his most impressionable, his parents were one such couple. Conflict for him, therefore, becomes the stopping point of a relationship rather than an issue in which two people can work on, resolve and move on. In a certain sense, you could compare his reaction to a recurring nightmare in which all is well until he comes across this inevitable dark place and does not know how to escape.

This might go a long way to explaining why your guy is 44 and never married.

He can overcome this pattern, but he will need your love and patience, and perhaps some joint counseling in the future. The good news is that he would like your relationship to succeed. With your patience and persistence, that just might be the case.

Dear John: "Pete" and I are in the process of getting a divorce. It will be final in a little over a month. We have a 8-year-old daughter, who is now the only source of happiness in my life. This separation and divorce have been so difficult for me. Pete was the one who wanted to end our marriage.

To make matters worse, he recently got involved with another woman; my daughter has been telling me about her. I feel so much anger and bitterness over his taking up with another woman. Any ideas on how I might better handle this crisis in my life would be much appreciated. — How Soon They Forget in Savannah, Ga.

Dear How Soon They Forget: Statistically, separated men are far more likely than women to quickly move into another relationship. Martians often believe that the pain they experience in divorce can be resolved by beginning another relationship.

Most likely, that is the real reason for his new relationship. Unfortunately, these "rebounds" do not often work out because the underlying issues that broke up the old relationship have yet to be resolved.

Women often take longer to get involved again because divorce raises the issue of trust in their minds. Until they can heal those feelings, they are unlikely to trust enough in another man to begin a new relationship.

Don't compare his situation to your own. Explore your feelings and begin the process of working through them. Starting over is not easy, and there are a variety of books and community outreach programs that can help you through this process. Love and happiness will find you again. But you must first allow yourself the time and the space to heal.

John Gray is the author of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus." If you have a question, write to John in care of this newspaper or by e-mail at: comments@marsvenusliving.com. All questions are kept anonymous and will be paraphrased. To find out more about John Gray and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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Re LW2: I am troubled by your comment that "We have a 8-year-old daughter, who is now the only source of happiness in my life."

I am sorry about your situation. It must be terribly painful, but this is too much to put on an 8-year-old. She needs to be your first priority, but she *is not* responsible for your happiness, nor should she be. Please try hard to find something that gives you pleasure, or at least grim satisfaction, and go through the motions for her benefit. Do not let her know how angry and bitter you are toward her father. That is terribly unfair to her. At some level, the three of you are still a family, and you owe her father some loyalty for that reason, and for your daughter's sake. That includes acknowledging that he has a right to form new relationships and being civil and reasonably supportive of him.

Yes, do make a point of doing pleasurable things with your daughter, but also make a point of getting together with friends, or making new ones. And please don't expect your friends to become your therapists. We all need to blow off steam, or seek a sounding board sometimes, but to work out the really rough stuff, find a support group for recently separated or divorced women.

Best of luck to you all.

Comment: #1
Posted by: Carla
Thu Jan 21, 2010 9:44 AM