Mars and Venus by John Gray

Dear John: My husband "Jeff" and I have only been married for eight months. We met two years ago, and it was love at first sight. Everything between us is wonderful, except for one thing: Prior to meeting me, Jeff had just broken up with a woman; they had lived together for about four years. Everything about them was mismatched, and he claims that he was miserable the whole time he was with her. The breakup was so messy that he essentially left the home they owned together and didn't look back.

The problem is that she still calls him and e-mails him at work. He claims he doesn't respond to her. In fact — this is the hard part— he hasn't yet broken the news that he has married someone else! He says that the news will just crush her because she had always wanted them to marry and to have children before her biological clock wound down.

I think it is crueler to leave her thinking that he's still available and all she has to do is "wait until he comes to his senses." What do you think? — His Wife in Scottsdale, Ariz.

Dear Wife: I think that he's behaving like a coward. When it comes to relationships — particularly ones that are over and done with — honesty is always the best policy. You're so right to point out that what he is doing is cruel, not to say unusual. Nothing he could have done could have been any meaner to a Venusian.

To make this point, ask him how he would feel if the shoe were on the other foot. Then encourage him to do the right thing: Call the woman. He needs to tell her that he's gotten on with his life and that he's wishes her the best in doing the same.

Dear John: My husband "Sam" was laid off from his job in November 2008. It was a job he really enjoyed.

Thankfully, they gave him a nice severance package, and we had a decent nest egg built up. Unfortunately, during that time, his father passed away. Then Sam discovered he had a health issue he had to deal with. Of course, with all of this hitting him at the same time, I told him not to rush to find work, but first to take some time to grieve and to do what he could to get himself together, both emotionally and physically.

That was over a year ago. Since then, his medical issue is at bay, but he has barely made any effort to find a new position. I understand it will be difficult to find a similar position, and I have tried every possible way to motivate him to do something. Now I find myself resenting him. He was our family's main breadwinner, but we are currently living on my salary, which is only a third of what he was making.

The other day, I finally lost it and demanded he seek counseling to help him through these issues. Sam promised to do it, but that was nearly a week ago. What am I to do about this? — Flummoxed in Brooklyn, N.Y.

Dear Flummoxed: You're going to set the appointment and ask him to accompany you to the counseling session, because you both need to get out your frustrations over all you've been through in order to reconnect and thrive as a couple. After that first session, you can ask him to commit to going to counseling on his own, or if he prefers, you can keep going together.

Please, please don't give up on him. He needs you now more than ever. By continuing to encourage him to do what he can to move beyond his current circumstances, together you can overcome anything that threatens to keep you apart.

John Gray is the author of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus." If you have a question, write to John in care of this newspaper or by e-mail at: comments@marsvenusliving.com. All questions are kept anonymous and will be paraphrased. To find out more about John Gray and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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