Mars and Venus by John Gray

Dear John: My fiance, "Ben," and I had been together for four years, engaged for eight months. Thanks to this awful economy, things have been tough since we left college last May. Ben has not been able to find a job. Not only is he dealing with that stress and the stress of not having his own place to live, but he is also dealing with the loss of his grandmother, who passed away a month ago.

It was a week after the funeral when Ben told me he wanted to call off our wedding. He explained that life isn't going the way he planned, and he needs time to himself. I want him to find what he needs, but is it really over? How do you go from planning your life with someone one minute to breaking everything off the next? — Brokenhearted Bride in Jackson, Miss.

Dear Brokenhearted Bride: Many of us enter our adult years with what we hope is a specific plan for the future. But real-life issues have an annoying way of intruding on our plans. What once seemed easy can suddenly seem overwhelming.

Ben is feeling somewhat lost and uncertain. Right now, he isn't sure he can support himself, no less a future family. He did not go from being ready to marry one minute to jumping ship the next. Perhaps unknown or unobserved by you, he's been standing at the rail for quite sometime.

You don't want to walk down the aisle with a man who is not ready. Your best step at this point is to express your love and confidence in him, telling him that you agree that postponing the marriage at this point is a good idea. Also, tell him that, at a minimum, you want to remain close friends, if not lovers.

I'm sure all this is a great disappointment to you, but take comfort in the fact that a failed courtship is less painful than a failed marriage.

By giving him the time to heal and the space to see if he can succeed on his own, you leave the door open for both of you to reconsider marriage at some future date. Remember the classic love story is: Boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy finds girl again. In your future, there are still many chapters yet to come.

Dear John: I recently asked out a man from whom I was getting all the right vibes. To my surprise, he turned me down, stating that he was engaged and wondering where I got the idea that he was interested. Since I asked him, he has apologized at least 10 times and hangs around chatting with me.

He also told me that in a million years he would have never guessed that I'd ask him out. I just don't understand. I can't help but feel that he is sending me mixed signals. Have I just been misreading this all along? — Dazed and Confused in Hartford, Conn.

Dear Dazed and Confused: When your inner chemistry is attracted to a potential mate, even the best radar systems can be fooled. Sometimes when you feel a strong attraction to someone, you can easily project feelings coming from them that, in reality, are reflections of your own desires.

As to his ongoing friendly response, remember that you have flattered his male ego — few things make a man more pleased than to know that he has drawn the attention of an attractive woman. This does not mean that he will throw over his current relationship, but he does love the idea of being the object of your attraction.

John Gray is the author of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus." If you have a question, write to John in care of this newspaper or by e-mail at: comments@marsvenusliving.com. All questions are kept anonymous and will be paraphrased. To find out more about John Gray and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

COPYRIGHT 2009 JOHN GRAY'S MARS VENUS ADVICE