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Lovelorn Single Laments Loss
Dear John: I am a 28-year-old male. I've recently had a breakup with my girlfriend of seven years. This has been the most painful experience I've ever had.
I deeply love and care for "Linda," but she is now currently dating someone else. I …Read more.
Boyfriend Moves in With Ex
Dear John: I am a college student who has been dating my boyfriend for three years, all of which have been long distance. I am graduating in the next few months and have accepted a job near him. We have plans to get married in the near future.
…Read more.
Professional Affair Upsets Career
Dear John: I've been having an affair with "Jack," a married co-worker, for three years. We both knew it was wrong, but a relationship started, then cooled off out of guilt.
Jack has been nervous around me lately. Currently, we've both …Read more.
Woman Worries She Was an 'Easy Target'
Dear John: I've just ended an abusive marriage. After leaving my husband, I have started seeing a man who is about five years younger than me, and once again, I have gotten burned pretty badly.
I think he saw me as an easy target because of my …Read more.
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JOHN GRAY'S MEN ARE FROM MARS, WOMEN ARE FROM VENUSDear John: My husband "Dean" and I have a college-age son. Our son, "Jimmy," is my only child and Dean's third child. Dean is a workaholic and has been that way for all 18 years of our marriage. Jimmy and I have gotten to be very close, and I've handled the brunt of the parenting responsibilities. Dean is jealous of our relationship and is angry that he doesn't have control over Jimmy. He says that I would never let him get close to Jimmy. I respond with the fact that he was never home to be involved. Dean, being a control freak, now wants to take control of our son — like making him shave and pull up his pants — and threatens to take away Jimmy's car for noncompliance. I feel Jimmy is old enough to make those personal decisions without being punished. What should I do now? — Torn in Two in Montgomery, Ala. Dear Torn in Two: There are two issues at hand. The first one is how your husband and son can best communicate with each other. Your husband has not yet made the transition from being his son's "manager," which is our role when our children are preteens, to being his "counselor," which is our new parental role as our children move into their teen years and young adulthood. The difference: as a manager, we make decisions for our children; as counselors, we advise them, but then we trust them to make their own decisions. Your son is certainly old enough to talk to your husband without your running interference. In fact, you should encourage your son to do so, and do your best to stay out of the way when he does. After all, you won't be able to make Jimmy's point for him to any future bosses. If he has a difference of opinion, he should make his point by sticking to facts and avoiding emotion. If he is unable to sway his father and chooses to stand firm on these issues, he may have to trade in some of his privileges for these beliefs, with the upside that it encourages self-reliance. The other issue is how you and your husband can better communicate with each other about your son. Recognize the fact that your husband wants to take a more active role in your son's well-being, and welcome it.
Now is not the time for recriminations for past failures in your husband's parenting endeavors. The best thing that can happen is that through this process Dean and Jimmy deepen their respect and love for each other in the coming years, so that you all attain the family life you deserve. Dear John: My husband "Louis" and I are both in our mid-70s. He has macular degeneration, is almost deaf, just had a hip replacement and is losing his memory. I sometimes lose my patience with him and resent all of his ailments. I recently had heart surgery and feel so trapped! Any suggestions? — Diseased and Depressed in Bethesda, Md. Dear Diseased and Depressed: The most heart-wrenching situation is watching the physical or mental deterioration of a loved one. It has a direct effect on our own heart and soul. Don't chide yourself for losing patience with him or for wanting a break from the constant care he needs. Please, reach out for support. It is important that you get out of the house. See movies, check out activities at your local senior center, or establish a regular exercise program approved by your doctor. If friends are not available to spell you on occasion, consider calling your local Health and Human Resources office for a list of volunteer organizations in your area. Also, the American Association of Retired Persons (AARP)'s Volunteer Program includes a "friendly visitors program." Call your local chapter or this national toll-free number: 1-800-424-3410. Visit AARP's website at www.aarp.org. For your own peace of mind, you need to keep discovering what life has to offer. My best thoughts go with you. John Gray is the author of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus." If you have a question, write to John in care of this newspaper or by e-mail at: comments@marsvenusliving.com. All questions are kept anonymous and will be paraphrased. To find out more about John Gray and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com. COPYRIGHT 2009 JOHN GRAY'S MARS VENUS ADVICE
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