Mars and Venus by John Gray

Dear John: I have a 17-year-old daughter who will soon graduate from high school. She has been seeing this 21-year-old guy for six months. They broke up for a week, but now they are together again. He moved down state and she is living up with her aunt. When she is not with her boyfriend, she goes out with her friends, does different things, and is civil to us. However, when she is with him, she stays at home waiting for him to call and is very irritable toward us.

She never talked about having sex and wanted to wait, but she admitted to me that she is on the pill (thank goodness) and they are having sex. My daughter said he acts like a 5-year-old and has cheated and lied. Her boyfriend has persuaded her not to move back home with us. He is so controlling! What can I do to get her to see that he is a cheat and a liar? We don't want her to get hurt again. — Mother on Edge in Gary, Ind.

Dear Mother on Edge: When our children are on the verge of adulthood, they strive to make their own decisions, even if, in the long run, these decisions turn out to be wrong. Your role in her life now is that of a counselor. That means you should give her your opinion in a way that lets her know that you accept her right to make decisions, whatever those may be. By doing so, she may actually listen to you and consider what you have to say.

The key, though, is keeping a positive tone and reinforcing your message of love and support. That said, you could then point out the things that concern you about the relationship: his lies and past infidelities, and her greater self-confidence when he is not around.

Encourage her to see her friends, make new friends and date others. Don't forget to tell her you love her. Then, leave her to make her own decision. No matter what that may be, she will have a greater respect for you and will feel closer to you for allowing her to do so.

Dear John: My husband "Jeff" has lifelong guy friends and spends lots of time with them. Often he'll go off with them without first consulting me. He'll say things like, "I'm going fishing this weekend," and just take off. I feel that, since we are partners, I should be consulted first. Not to give my permission, but as a way of including me in his plans. What do you think? — Feeling Clueless in Biloxi, Miss.

Dear Feeling Clueless: Put it to Jeff this way: "Honey, let's discuss our plans for this week. I'd like to do the following with you ..." Next, name the activities and suggest a date and time. Follow up with, "Do you have any plans I need to know about? Please let me know prior to making them, so that we don't have any scheduling conflicts."

Then put up a calendar where you both will see it. Mark any dates or events that require his participation. If he forgets to inform you when he goes off, keep asking him to do so. If you don't ask, you will not get heard. Bad habits are hard to break, and good habits are sometimes slow to take hold, but be patient. If you keep asking, eventually he will get with the program.

John Gray is the author of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus." If you have a question, write to John in care of this newspaper or by e-mail at: comments@marsvenusliving.com. All questions are kept anonymous and will be paraphrased. To find out more about John Gray and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

COPYRIGHT 2009 JOHN GRAY'S MARS VENUS ADVICE