Mars and Venus by John Gray

Dear John: My husband, "Charles," and I are in our 30s. We've been married for six years and have three children. I'm a stay-at-home mom and Charles has a job that gives him a sense of accomplishment. Charles recently reconnected with Jane, an old friend from high school. She lives in another state. Their reunion is coming up next year, and both can't wait to see each other. Jane is also married with two children. They talk via the Internet and have exchanged pictures and phone numbers. I have also chatted with her.

However, they talk almost on a nightly basis for two to four hours, even more on weekends. What they talk about also has me upset: they flirt and tease one another. The sexual innuendoes are so thick that I'm starting to wonder what's really going on.

I asked Charles about this, and he said it's "just talking with some adult fun added in." He says it's flattering and nice to feel needed. He also thinks that their cyber sex is "harmless, so what's the big deal?" The big deal is they communicate when I need him most, during homework, supper and the kids' bath time. Only after I get all this done does he log off, then goes to bed because he's tired.

Yes, I'm jealous and angry. Instead of spending time with his wife and kids, he would rather spend time on the Internet with her. He tells me that he loves me all the time and this is his way of "relaxing." He feels that she is a challenge intellectually and even called her his "kindred spirit," although I'm his "soul mate." I feel this is inappropriate behavior. Once when I got upset, he told me to, "Get a job, get a life and get OFF my back!" Should I back off and let him have his "relaxation" time? — Sad in Tiburon, Calif.

Dear Sad: One of the cornerstones of marriage is mutual respect. Charles has forgotten this, and you are right to be upset.

Your "job" is your family. It may be a different accomplishment than his, but what you do is the glue that keeps your family together and functional; it should be acknowledged and appreciated by both of you.

As for his online flirtation, it is hurtful and obnoxious, and it is putting your relationship and your family at risk. Charles should spend less time flirting online and more time focusing on things that really matter in life: his wife and family. He can start by agreeing to joint counseling. Your happiness, and that of your children, is worth the effort needed to put your marriage back on track.

Dear John: I've been in a monogamous relationship for 12 years. I am going on a trip to visit family and will be traveling 1,000 miles (one-way) and back. I have asked my boyfriend to go with me, but he has chosen to stay home. Another guy who happens to be a friend of my brother has offered to go with me. I would like to have the company, but I know my boyfriend is jealous of this guy.

To me, this doesn't seem fair. After all, my boyfriend has female friends. How can I curb his insecurity so I don't have to travel by myself? — Road Warrioress in Tampa, Fla.

Dear Road Warrioress: There's an old joke that men don't trust other men with their girlfriends because they know that they themselves should not be trusted. It's time to let your guy know that his imagination is working overtime.

Before you take your trip, the two of you should talk openly about love and trust. The number of years you have been together does not mean trust can be taken for granted. Every now and then we all need a little added reminder that our love is here to stay. He also wants you to feel safe. With a little reassurance, he can put this issue and his misplaced fears behind him.

John Gray is the author of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus." If you have a question, write to John in care of this newspaper or by e-mail at: comments@marsvenusliving.com. All questions are kept anonymous and will be paraphrased. To find out more about John Gray and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

COPYRIGHT 2009 JOHN GRAY'S MARS VENUS ADVICE