Mars and Venus by John Gray

Dear John: I'm worried about "Fred," my husband. He's a workout fiend and a nonstop health nut. When I ask him why, he tells me that he's worried about getting old and looking old. John, my husband is only 35!

I'm 33, and while I don't like the idea of getting older, it doesn't send me to the gym five days a week and to the health food stores every other day. Is there anything that I can do to calm his fears? — Ageless in Tampa, Fla.

Dear Ageless: Our society, as you know, is obsessed with youth. Unlike many other countries, the images of older people in the United States are mostly negative. For the most part, you rarely see older people portrayed on TV, other than in commercials for antacids and constipation, or as people who are crotchety and set in their ways. On the other hand, young people, defined as 27 and below, are always portrayed as having a good time. On TV, they are at parties, while men and women over the age of 50 are at the doctor's office.

To some extent, your husband might be a victim of these negative images. On the other hand, his concerns about aging might come from a deeper and less obvious source. It's quite possible that, as a child, something about the aging process scared him.

For example, a comment made when a grandparent died, such as: "Grandpa died because he was old, and that's what happens to people when they get old ..." may have been innocently made. Today he does not consciously recall it, but the thought could have been planted deeply in his mind. He may have drawn the irrational conclusion that never growing old means you'll never die.

If all your attempts at reason have gone nowhere, encourage him to share his fears about aging with a therapist. You may both be surprised at what he learns about the roots of this fear, and pleased that he is finally able to stay healthy for the sake of health itself — not as a reaction to an irrational fear of growing old.

Dear John: I'm having a very difficult time letting go of the married man that I have been seeing for over three years.

When "Carl" and I met, we were both married, but because I wanted to be able to see him often and at anytime, I decided to get a divorce. His love was so incredible. It was something I have never felt before, and I thought he felt the same way about me.

Well, a month ago, his wife found out about us and told him to stay away. His grown children have said to their father that if he leaves their mother, they will never speak to him or allow him to see his grandchildren. I think in time they would, but he doesn't believe that would happen, so he left me! I feel so lost and betrayed, as if my heart has been ripped out of me. Any advice? — Devastated in Indianapolis

Dear Devastated: There are no winners in relationships in which the partners cannot give wholly of themselves. Unfortunately, Carl wasn't ready to commit fully to either his wife or to you. Although he's gone back to her, the reasons for their relationship's failure will always stand between them, until they learn what went wrong and make a joint decision, if they both want to fix it.

That same issue may have also stood between the two of you, not to mention the bitterness of Carl's children. In the meantime, he had a choice to make, and he made it. At this point in his life, his decision does not include you. Look for a relationship with a 100-percent commitment. Trust me, you won't find it by waiting around and wondering when and if he will change his mind.

John Gray is the author of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus." If you have a question, write to John in care of this newspaper or by e-mail at: comments@marsvenusliving.com. All questions are kept anonymous and will be paraphrased. To find out more about John Gray and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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