Mars and Venus by John Gray

Dear John: I am divorced, and I have tried to keep an amicable relationship with my ex-husband, "Sam." I share joint custody of our children with him on alternate weeks. Since he has remarried, he consistently refuses to accommodate situations that benefit the children. For example, before I enrolled the children in soccer, I got Sam's commitment that he would take the kids to their practices and games on the days they were with him. I even assumed the expenses for enrollment fees and equipment.

But now that soccer has started, he complains that the practice time conflicts with his schedule, as does their two games on Saturdays. Because of this, I now drive the kids to practice even during his week, or work out a schedule with friends so that the kids would have no interruption in their practice or games. What is the problem with this father? — Mom 24/7 in Pittsburgh

Dear Mom 24/7: Parents, divorced or not, are always making choices as to how and when they can be involved in their children's activities. Sometimes, because of financial obligations, parents have to pass on many of those wonderful life experiences they would like their kids to have, and then regret this later. Other parents find ways to stay involved with their children's activities, such as asking their jobs for modified work schedules. To many employers, this makes sense, because in the long run it instills employee loyalty.

Your ex-husband may have agreed to participate because he did not want to look like a "bad guy" to his kids or to himself. Now that it's time to get involved, he has decided to pass. You are a great mom to want to resolve the issue in a manner that won't cause your children to miss out on this wonderful experience. Do what you can by being there for practices and games and arranging car pools when necessary.

The years that we have with our children are very few. You will be able to look back on those years with many wonderful memories. As for the memories of their father, well, only he can be responsible for that. You've done what you can to encourage his involvement.

Dear John: My husband of 10 years is so protective of me that if a guy dares to look at me, he wants to attack the man. He feels, however, that there is nothing wrong with him going to a go-go bar with friends from work and allowing girls to sit on his lap. I just can't understand his behavior and it makes me angry. Help! — Tit for Tat in Panama City, Fla.

Dear Tit for Tat: In his mind, these two issues are totally separate. Part of his function in being what he sees as a real male is to be highly defensive of you as though you were his personal possession. At the same time, he feels entitled to generous portions of female attention, even if it is the type you have to pay for.

It's time you put a curb on his runaway testosterone. Lay down some ground rules. You don't want him creating a scene every time another man notices you exist, and you don't want him out at night enjoying lap dances.

Under his "me man, you little woman" rule, he won't like what you have to say, but if you want some equality in this relationship, the only way this will happen is if you're willing to step up and take it. You can tell him in a loving and respectful way — and you're probably going to have to tell him more than once — but the time to speak up is now. If he absolutely refuses to give you the space and respect you deserve, then do yourself a favor and find a man who will.

John Gray is the author of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus." If you have a question, write to John in care of this newspaper or by e-mail at: comments@marsvenusliving.com. All questions are kept anonymous and will be paraphrased. To find out more about John Gray and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

COPYRIGHT 2009 JOHN GRAY'S MARS VENUS ADVICE