Mars and Venus by John Gray

Dear John: My husband of six years, "Henry," yells at me constantly until I am just overwhelmed by his anger. He calls me names and threatens to leave our son and me. Henry blames me for everything bad in his life, even things that happened before we met. After being forced to listen to his tirades for hours, I am unable to go to work because I can't stop crying. Other times, I have become so frightened that I am on the ground shaking. After these outbursts, he will turn around and act like nothing happened. This weekend was the final straw for me.

Once again, he began a tirade in front of our son. He then told me that I could not leave the room and blocked my exit, pushing me back with his chest and arms! I called 911. When the police got there, they said that since he did not hit me, they could do nothing. Now Henry readily admits what he did, but says that I was wrong to call the police. Is he crazy, or am I just a no good, unfeeling, evil woman? — Scared in Sacramento, Calif.

Dear Scared: Henry is an abuser. And, yes, verbal abuse is just as toxic, demeaning and emotionally scarring as physical abuse. You don't need to sit there and take it. Get out, and the sooner the better. If need be, get a restraining order against him.

I know this may not be easy for you emotionally, physically or financially, but it is a necessary step to secure a good future for both you and your son. If you hesitate because you won't do it for yourself, consider doing it for your young son: Abuse is a learned behavior, and you don't want Henry to be his role model.

If you feel you need emotional support or assistance in making this move, please check out the National Domestic Violence Hotline online at http://www.ndvh.org or 1-800-799-SAFE. In fact, October is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Readers, please pass along this information to others who may need it. You may be saving a life.

Dear John: I recently got married.

Since my new husband, "Phil," lives in Virginia and I lived in Georgia, I am the one who gave up my job and left my friends behind. The problem: Phil feels that we should spend every moment together, and that we should not do something without the other. Because of this attitude, I have spent the last seven months of our marriage with him as my only friend.

He is a loner and does not have any real friends, just work acquaintances. On the other hand, I have always had many friends, some who have been in my life for 15 to 20 years. And now that I'm in a new place, I would like to have a few friends here, too — to talk with, go to a movie, or do arts and crafts or whatever. I enjoy friendships and I think they can enhance your life. He does not understand why I would want this. I need some guidance in how to explain this to him, without threatening his feelings. — Lonely now in Richmond, Va.

Dear Lonely: It is very important that couples have friends outside of the marriage. Not only is this best for each partner's individual well-being, it is also healthier for the marriage. The thing that draws us to our partners is the fact that they are interesting people who can interface with others on many different levels. However, Martians quite often are slower in forming friendships than Venusians.

Let him know that you will be making friends, and, of course, you will be introducing them to him. Encourage him to do the same and seek out others who have similar interests. With some gentle encouragement, he can and most likely will begin to form at least a couple of friendships. Arrange small, impromptu get-togethers in which he can get to know people on an intimate basis.

Tell him that doing these things is important to you. Why? Because any unwillingness he has on this subject eventually will come between you, which is why it is important that he compromises on this issue.

John Gray is the author of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus." If you have a question, write to John in care of this newspaper or by e-mail at: comments@marsvenusliving.com. All questions are kept anonymous and will be paraphrased. To find out more about John Gray and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

COPYRIGHT 2009 JOHN GRAY'S MARS VENUS ADVICE