Mars and Venus by John Gray

Dear John: I've been happily married (or so I thought) for 18 years. I recently discovered my very first love, "Janice," on the Internet. After all these years apart, we both have realized that we still love each other and desperately want to be back together. We are both married with children and don't want to hurt our spouses. I feel that if my marriage was as happy as I thought, I wouldn't be having these feelings for her. What should I do now? — In Love in Albany, N.Y.

Dear In Love: You're right that something must be missing in your marriage if you went so far as to search out Janice and reconnect. Still, is an Internet romance with an old flame worth the breakup of two well-established marriages? Not only would that be devastating to your spouses, but consider the impact on the children as well.

Marriage is one of the hardest things you'll ever do. In a marriage, you have to be honest with your needs, desires and abilities, and so does your partner. You have to be willing to give as well as to take; most importantly, you have to be willing to compromise. In comparison, an Internet relationship is easy. You can write and say what you want about yourself, and those that know you best — including your spouse — aren't there to contradict this image you have created.

I think you'd both be making a big mistake if you do not try to first resolve the issues that sent you "looking" in the first place, because these same issues may stand in the way of this next relationship. If, after working with your spouse on these issues, you cannot get beyond them, don't rush into another relationship too quickly.

Consider a trial separation in order for you to take the time to do the right thing for you and your family. If it turns out that you and your lost love were in fact meant to be together, taking this extra time won't be a deterrent. It will be proof that your reunion was in fact meant to happen.

Dear John: Frederick and I are newlyweds. Three weeks ago I found out that, while we were dating, he used to hang out at strip bars. Since then, I can't get this off my mind. I feel devastated! Because of this, I don't know if I can trust him anymore. His excuse is that we weren't married yet, so it isn't a big deal.

He says he stopped doing this long ago, but I don't know if I believe him. I feel humiliated that he was going out behind my back, and all his friends knew. Do you have any advice? — Still Shocked in Augusta, Ga.

Dear Still Shocked: Frederick has come clean. He knows your feelings on the subject, and he is committed never to go again. Don't let his past actions stand in the way of your future together. After all, we've all done something we are ashamed of or somehow regret. Perhaps you can think of such an event in your life. Would you want some digression to stand in the way of his feelings for you and your future together? Forgive him, and allow him to prove his trust is worthy of your love.

John Gray is the author of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus." If you have a question, write to John in care of this newspaper or by e-mail at: comments@marsvenusliving.com. All questions are kept anonymous and will be paraphrased. To find out more about John Gray and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

COPYRIGHT 2009 JOHN GRAY'S MARS VENUS ADVICE