Mars and Venus by John Gray

Dear John: I'm involved with a man who may have a bad drinking problem, although he won't acknowledge it. "Carl" feels tremendous guilt from his father's battle with Alzheimer's and the distant relationship with his children from a broken marriage. He says he loves me and wants to marry me, but I always seem to be last on the list.

He doesn't call for several days at a time. When he does call, sometimes he'll say he's with his children or father, but he's not: he's sitting in a bar. I was in a decade-long marriage that was mentally abusive. I really care about this guy, but it's the situation where my heart tells me one thing and the mind tells me something else. I think I know what the answer will be, but I just need someone else to put this in perspective for me. — Is It Right? in Galveston, Texas

Dear Is It Right: Here it is: Carl may be feeling down about his troubles, but he won't find the answers he's looking for at the bottom of an empty whiskey glass. You know that. Deep down inside, so does he.

You may have tried to tell him, but unless he is willing to accept this and do something about it, nothing will change. And yes, you'll be wasting your time trying to make him into something that he is not yet ready to be. Say goodbye.

If you're in the wrong relationship, getting out of it frees you to be ready when the right relationship comes along. And you don't want to miss out on that. Sure, there's always the possibility that he may realize he's lost you, and this may finally be the catalyst for his change.

Still, I'd suggest that you don't wait around to find out when or if that ever happens.

Dear John: James and I have been living together for three years. About two months ago, a friend called and told me that he has been stealing from me, namely my jewelry. This is the unthinkable! Worst yet, this "friend" squealed on James out of revenge: she was sleeping with him!

Should I dump James without any further thought, or is there hope for a thief in a relationship? He says he is very ashamed, and that he loves me, and would like to make it up to me. But I would feel like such a fool if it were to happen again. What do you think? — Trusting in Jupiter, Fla.

Dear Trusting: Actions speak louder than words. This guy is not trustworthy, and you would be unwise in the extreme to allow him back into your life.

I'm sure there were other times during those three years in which he was unfaithful or dishonest. The writing was on the wall, and it wasn't in hieroglyphics. Why did you choose to ignore it then? Probably for the same reason you would ignore it now: You have issues with your own self-esteem. James is a bad habit, one you need to break now. Take care of that first, and then put the focus on you and your needs.

John Gray is the author of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus." If you have a question, write to John in care of this newspaper or by e-mail at: comments@marsvenusliving.com. All questions are kept anonymous and will be paraphrased. To find out more about John Gray and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

COPYRIGHT 2009 JOHN GRAY'S MARS VENUS ADVICE