Mars and Venus by John Gray

Dear John: I have reconnected with my childhood sweetheart, "James." In my heart, I believe we are meant to be together. The problem is that James is an alcoholic. His drinking is affecting every area of his life — physically, mentally and spiritually.

He tells me he will seek help. Although I keep bringing up the issue, he continues to drink. I know that the obvious solution would be to leave him, but I believe he can sober up, and I want to do all I can before I think about leaving. Am I fooling myself? — I Thought It Would Be Different in Pittsburgh

Dear I Thought: While alcoholism may begin with an emotional catalyst, it is a physical disease. That is why many alcoholics have a hard time giving up drinking. Because alcoholics are alcoholics for life, the only way to save his life — and his relationship with his partner and children, for that matter — is to stop drinking forever. This won't be easy. It takes an ongoing commitment to building success one day at time.

You obviously want this relationship to work. However, it takes two people to make any relationship succeed. If he is unwilling or unable to make the effort to save himself, it won't happen, no matter how badly you wish. You've let him know you love him and that you need him to get into a treatment program, such as Alcoholics Anonymous (http://www.aa.org/), and get his life in order, or you'll move on. The only way he'll believe you is if you follow through. You both have difficult decisions ahead, and delay is never a solution.

Dear John: In some of your responses to women's questions, you suggest, for example, "making a list and telling your partner to make one also and compare," or to "sit down with him and make a list of what you want to accomplish together." These seem like great ideas, but I don't think this idea would go over well with my boyfriend.

As loving and caring as my boyfriend is, he would probably look at me and laugh if I suggested writing a list so we could compare our thoughts, just because of how guys seem to be with that kind of stuff.

Are there some men who would listen, or do I have the kind of guy who just doesn't enjoy talking about his feelings? — Feeling Alone in St. Paul, Minn.

Dear Feeling Alone: I advocate readers — both men and women — to first write down your issues of concern as a way to ensure that you put your thoughts into order prior to discussing them. This method also decreases the possibility of using words that denote blame, which will put your partner on the defensive and decrease the chance for resolution.

Will he laugh at the suggestion of making a list? Not if he understands the importance and the value you see in doing this exercise together. There are countless ways in which a guy may at first reject a woman's desire to find better methods of communication. However, if you are positive and patiently persistent, he will make a real effort to satisfy your wishes. Why? Because he loves you.

John Gray is the author of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus." If you have a question, write to John in care of this newspaper or by e-mail at: comments@marsvenusliving.com. All questions are kept anonymous and will be paraphrased. To find out more about John Gray and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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