Mars and Venus by John Gray

Dear John: I have a group of friends who are all married with children. Each of us women recently discussed the issue of pornography and its effect on the men in our lives. We hate it and feel cheated, betrayed and unhappy, but when we talk to our men, they simply shrug it off, as all men do.

Can you please help us understand the married man's desire for pornography? Is it a form of cheating? — Disgusted in Brooklyn, N.Y.

Dear Disgusted: Males are visually stimulated. To a male in his 20s, 30s or older, pornography can be like daydreaming for a 10-year-old boy: it's nothing more than fantasy. While viewing pornography often leads to sexual fantasies, it is wrong to assume that their fascination indicates that they are not committed to their relationships or that they find their partner sexually uninteresting.

No, it is not a form of cheating. But it would be easier on all parties involved if these men could be more discreet about their interests. Sure, a man might find a woman in a restaurant to be attractive; however, his gawking at her in the presence of his wife or girlfriend is not only in bad taste, but it also naturally makes his companion feel inadequate — the open display of his physical fascination is totally inconsiderate.

You and your girlfriends should ask your mates to limit their porn viewing to when you're out of the house, or to do so with the door shut. Not every aspect of life should be shared with your mate, and this is one example.

Dear John: My girlfriend "Jessie" is sick every other week with headaches and sometimes nausea.

Usually her illness hits on the weekends.

She has sought medical help on this matter, but it doesn't seem to be helping her. Originally I was empathetic, but this has been going on for nearly two years and I am becoming burned out. While I no longer focus as much attention on Jessie when she feels ill, I also get angry that she is practically "out of commission."

I miss having her around on every level. It also hurts her knowing that I am angry every time she gets sick. Is there a solution to this? — Worried for Her in St. Paul, Minn.

Dear Worried for Her: Encourage her to see other doctors to get second and third opinions. Offer to drive her to the appointments and to be there with her to listen to their prognoses. If she refuses to do this, be honest with her about your feelings: that it is affecting how you feel about your relationship together, and that you feel she should be doing more to get to the root of the problem, be that physical or emotional.

If she insists on the status quo, know that you've done what you can to support her to move beyond this issue. Feel free to let it go and move on with your life.

John Gray is the author of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus." If you have a question, write to John in care of this newspaper or by e-mail at: comments@marsvenusliving.com. All questions are kept anonymous and will be paraphrased. To find out more about John Gray and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

COPYRIGHT 2009 JOHN GRAY'S MARS VENUS ADVICE