Mars and Venus by John Gray

Dear John: My husband and I have been married for almost two years. We are in our early 20s, and we made the decision to move in with his parents to save some money. Before we got married, he told me that we would move out on our own after one year, away from his parents. A few months ago, after a year had passed, he told me that we weren't moving out because he cannot leave his parents, especially his mom. Our marriage is almost down the drain because of this!

He is a mama's boy and cannot do anything without her approval. Had I known this before we got married, I would have never married him. Since the second month of our marriage, we have been fighting and it is all related to his mom. Despite some very harsh remarks she's made to me, he sees her as doing no harm. My love for him is diminishing by the day. Can this marriage be saved? — Family Issues in Lakeland, Fla.

Dear Family Issues: That depends on whether your husband is willing to develop a sense of independence in order to salvage your marriage. This kind of problem happens too often in young marriages. Your 20s should be a time in which you take a quantum leap in your emotional growth, such as furthering your education, earning workplace recognition and establishing your own credit in order to get a first apartment and your own telephone or utility accounts.

During this time, many young adults will experience a succession of personal relationships, so that they may better discern their criteria for commitment when that time comes. Living at home during this time often thwarts much of this process of self-discovery. This type of arrangement also makes it harder for parents to let go emotionally. Often their grown children take the path of least resistance, allowing their parents to continue to make decisions for them.

If your husband wishes to stay married, he will need to work on growing with you.

Dear John: My boyfriend of three years, "Mark," is extremely close to his sister — I feel way too close. He always does everything the way she wants him to do it, even if it has to do with our relationship. Mark always chooses her side on every subject, and he always makes sure she is happy, which he doesn't do for me.

As an example, if she gets mad at me, Mark automatically gets mad at me, too, instead of trying to help me smooth things over and make them better. He never defends or explains my side of the story. Do you think this is a strange relationship, or am I just overreacting? — Tired of His Sis in Taos, N.M.

Dear Tired of Sis: Mark is using his sister as a way to manipulate you and your relationship. You have every right to let him know that you're tired of this cycle and that you want it to stop. Approach him in an honest, open and loving fashion. Share your frustration and let him know your expectation, which is that he should discuss your affairs only with you.

Give it a month and see if change begins to occur. If he flat out refuses to alter this pattern, look for a boyfriend who is willing to work out your differences without making his family or friends into his mouthpiece.

John Gray is the author of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus." If you have a question, write to John in care of this newspaper or by e-mail at: comments@marsvenusliving.com. All questions are kept anonymous and will be paraphrased. To find out more about John Gray and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

COPYRIGHT 2009 JOHN GRAY'S MARS VENUS ADVICE