Mars and Venus by John Gray

Hi John: I am 31-year-old woman. I just broke up a six-year relationship with "Frank," but now I am wondering if it was the right thing to do. Frank is a good person, but he suffers from depression and a bad temper. He was never physically abusive but sometimes emotionally abusive (and always apologized afterward). Initially, I thought the breakup was the right thing to do, but after a few weeks, I started to miss him.

The next day, he showed up at my doorstep asking to be friends. I agreed. Later on that night and the next day, he called me asking if we could give the relationship another try. He said he had been seeing two different doctors (he is now taking an anti-depressant) and that he was getting his life on track. He has also started going church, which I believe is another sign. One of Frank's psychologists believes that we are total opposites and that we are not right for each other.

This was my first relationship, although Frank has had others. I told him that I needed to see if there was someone out there that was more like me or I would have regrets later in life, but he kept pleading by telling me that he knows his problem, that he is getting help, and that I would be making a big mistake if I let him go.

Part of me feels he may be right, but another part of me thinks that six years was long enough to work on the relationship. What do you think? — Don't Get It in Palm Springs, Calif.

Dear Don't Get It: I'm a strong believer that actions speak louder than words. Despite Frank's promises, the six-year history you have with him speaks volumes. Because this relationship is your first, you have never given yourself an opportunity to compare him to others. You owe that to yourself.

The fact that you have never had a large circle of friends is another reason why you should get out there and meet people, both men and women, who may become friends and introduce you to others.

Play to your strengths. Seek out people that have similar interests. Don't go out with the intent to "find someone." Instead, enjoy yourself, and others will find you. It's a big world out there. Now is the time to broaden your horizons within it.

Dear John: In "Mars and Venus Starting Over," you write that it is OK to be sexually active during the healing process, instead using this time to get in touch with your emotions as opposed to looking for your soul mate. You mention that this is healing sex, used as a physical release, and it works as long as you are honest with yourself and your partner.

What about sex with your recently separated wife of 10 years? Is this sex for release, comfort or just sex for sex? — Hurting, Not Healing in Port Ludlow, Wash.

Dear Hurting, Not Healing: This is sex for convenience. And if you keep doing that, one of you is going to get hurt. Since you are recently separated, I assume that is because one or both of you have issues that, at this moment, you cannot get beyond, and this has caused an emotional rift. These issues will never be healed through sex.

To move beyond them, you must first resolve the underlying problems. Put the sex on hold and try talking through your problems. Consider doing so with a licensed counselor. If you cannot work things out, you'd both be better off acknowledging that, moving on with your lives and onto more satisfying and successful relationships.

John Gray is the author of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus." If you have a question, write to John in care of this newspaper or by e-mail at: comments@marsvenusliving.com. All questions are kept anonymous and will be paraphrased. To find out more about John Gray and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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