Mars and Venus by John Gray

Dear John: My husband is the type of person who loves to tease people, especially me. Some of the things he teases me about really hurt my feelings and make me feel unloved and insecure about our relationship. He teases me in a variety of ways about the following subjects: divorce, having "girlfriends," acting like he is single, and that I should "not think, you'll hurt the team," etc. He also teases me about these things in front of family and friends.

What would be the most appropriate way to handle this? What should I say or do to have him stop teasing me? — Not so Funny in Indianapolis

Dear Not So Funny: Just the way you signed your letter, "Not So Funny," leaves me to think that you have concluded that a person with a good sense of humor would roll with these "teasing" jabs. That's not necessarily the case. There are times that teasing can cross the line between good clean fun and simple abuse.

It's hard to say what side of that line your husband is on. It's not unusual for males to engage in verbal roughhousing with the woman they are most comfortable with. In other words, you become in that sense one of the guys sharing some good-natured ribbing after a game of racquetball. While many women would prefer not to be placed in that category, they are also pleased that their guys feel so comfortable around them. On the other hand, you need to set your boundaries and make him aware that those limits exist.

Getting this message across to him can best be done in a nonconfrontational way. Don't explain yourself at a time of anger, or the focus will only be on your anger. Rather, talk at a time when you can approach him in a direct conversational manner; let him know that while you enjoy his humor, there are certain comments that he makes that cause you to be uncomfortable, and that you want this to stop.

Don't be surprised if you have to give him gentle reminders, but I can assure you that, if his agenda is loving and not abusive, he will get this message and you will see a change for the better.

Dear John: "James" and I have been married for eight years.

Since day one, my family has been trying to break us up. This has been going on since the early months of our marriage. They finally persuaded me to leave him, but now I want us to get back together. At the same time, I don't know if he wants me back.

He knows where to contact me but has made no attempt. How can I bring us back together and keep this from ever happening again? — Missing Him in Syracuse, N.Y.

Dear Missing Him: Frequently, spouses will discuss marital issues with their family: sharing problems, arguments and difficulties. Later, however, they often fail to explain when, how and why they kissed and made up. The family, therefore, is left with the last impression that the problems are still unresolved and that their son or daughter is trapped in an unhappy marriage.

I strongly suspect that in the past you have shared your arguments with your family and have been open to their involvement — perhaps, at times, their interference. Your husband's silence at this time may evidence that he has now lost faith in your ability to discuss and resolve your issues directly with him.

To get your relationship back to where it needs to be, swallow your pride, pick up the phone and call him directly. Let him know clearly that you value the relationship, and ask if he will make time to meet with you so that you can discuss some ground rules for conflict resolution — including your promise that the first place you will go to resolve marital issues is inside your own marriage.

John Gray is the author of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus." If you have a question, write to John in care of this newspaper or by e-mail at: comments@marsvenusliving.com. All questions are kept anonymous and will be paraphrased. To find out more about John Gray and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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