Mars and Venus by John Gray

Dear John: I broke it off with this woman who I dearly love. We both agree that we went too fast into our relationship. We had only been dating three months when she told me she loved me. I needed more time to sort out my feelings. Sometimes I wouldn't call for two days, which made her angry. I now know it was childish, and I don't want to lose her. I believe if I told her that I love her, that I am not perfect and that I will never hurt her again to her face, maybe she'll give me another chance. What do you think? — Hoping Against All Odds in Macon, Ga.

Dear Hoping Against All Odds: She wanted to jump ahead to stage three of dating, exclusivity, while you were still in stage two, uncertainty. If you now truly feel you've worked through any uncertainties, then by all means, give her a call. Be honest with her as to what was happening.

Also, be prepared to have her express some concerns of her own that may have pushed her back into stage two. By coming up with some mutually agreed-upon ground rules, you can both move together into all stages of a fulfilling relationship.

Dear John: My husband is about to turn 47, and he is just losing it. He has a female friend with whom he has a close "friendship," which now includes flirty e-mails and lunches. Once, when I took a trip with our children to visit my parents, he took her out for the evening. He keeps lying to me; he doesn't know that I am aware of these get-togethers and that I have copies of their e-mails.

I don't want to appear naive, but I really don't think there is anything physical going on, but I am very hurt that he turns to her to share life experiences instead of me, particularly when I bend over backward to be available to him.

I'm at the point where I don't believe in us anymore. What can I do to begin to "fix" this? — Upset with Good Reason in Pittsburgh

Dear Upset: There may or may not be anything physical going on right now, but there is an emotional connection that he is seeking, which he has found with her. If you want to reconnect with him on that level, you need to let him know this.

Making her the issue between both of you will only put him on the defense. The true issue is what is — or isn't — happening between the two of you, and that should be the focus of your conversation.

Let him know what you want to achieve in your relationship together. Ask him about his own desires. In other words, it's time for both of you to open up about your relationship needs. Then write them down. This becomes your template for your lives together. Use it to plan your special activities: share doing the things each of you love, and be daring by making new discoveries and trying new things together. Plan short and longer getaways.

By seeing each other's reactions to life in this new way, you will see each other from a different perspective, recapturing the commitment that brought you together in the first place.

John Gray is the author of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus." If you have a question, write to John in care of this newspaper or by e-mail at: comments@marsvenusliving.com. All questions are kept anonymous and will be paraphrased. To find out more about John Gray and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

COPYRIGHT 2009 JOHN GRAY'S MARS VENUS ADVICE