Mars and Venus by John Gray

Dear John: I am 23, and I am confused! I have so many guy friends but all of them are players. None of them want girlfriends. They just want to have sex. Why does it seem that most guys in their early 20s think this way? Its like once one girl breaks their heart, they are through with relationships. — Discouraged, in Manhattan, N.Y.

Dear Discouraged: Sure, it might be that these guys have experienced broken hearts, but it's more likely that they are still trying to figure out what they like and don't like in relationships.

Your early adult years are meant to be just that: a time of self-discovery. Certainly there are some men (and women) who, at an early age, know what they want right off the bat, but that is not the norm.

If you are looking for the kind of man who is interested in a serious relationship, then it is time for you to expand your circle of friends. Seek out girlfriends who are in committed relationships and their guys are far more likely to know other single men that will also be interested in a committed relationship. As the expression teaches: birds of a feather flock together.

Dear John: I'm in love with a great guy. We've dated for ten months. However, once when I came over to his house unexpectedly, I found him dressed in women's underwear: bra, panties, stockings and a garter — everything a woman would wear! He laughed it off and said he was going to play a joke on a friend, but none of our friends mentioned it later. I recently found a bunch of women's panties in his drawer. Should I be — Worried? In Richmond, Va.

Dear Worried: I'm sure your snooping was driven by your concerns, although it would have been better for you to just have come right out and ask him.

It's still not too late to put your concerns on the table, and I encourage you to do so. He will be more forthcoming if he feels that he is not being judged by you, so do so with love and compassion.

Your boyfriend may in fact have a compulsion known as cross-dressing. This is a human behavior that has gone on for thousands of years, in virtually every society. Upon its discovery, a loved one may be riddled with many fears: Does this mean he is gay or bisexual? Will he seek a cross-gender operation in the future? Will this affect the respect of their children, family or friends?

To date, there has been no major research study of cross-dressing to shed light on the psychological causes of this condition. However, information from the many support groups and social clubs that exist for cross-dressers and their spouses indicate that it may in fact affect as much as 5 percent of men and a lesser percentage of women. The majority of cross-dressers are straight men. Because very few cross-dressers have opted for sex change operations, it should not be considered a symptom of gender identity issues.

The most important question a cross-dresser's significant other must consider is this: How will this issue affect her love for him? If, in fact, it repulses her, then the relationship will eventually flounder. However, if she understands that his compulsion is no threat to his feelings for her, the relationship will survive, and possibly grow stronger based on this acceptance.

One support organization, the Society for the Second Self, has chapters all over the country. You can find more information at this Web site: http://www.rachelmiller.info/linkso6.htm#Cross-Dressers