JOHN GRAY'S MEN ARE FROM MARS, WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS by John Gray on Creators.com

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Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, June 11

Dear John: "Larry" and I have been dating for over two years now. We're both in our early 30s. Well, about a year ago, we moved in together. Within six months, he got complacent. I had to initiate everything including intimacy, vacations, even our dates!

Recently when we were out with friends at a party, Larry asked another woman out to lunch. Of course, this upset me. He's never even taken ME to lunch!

That night, I asked him if he wanted to see other people. He said no, and he also said that he didn't want me to move out. He did say he had been feeling stifled over the last year.

This led him to the decision to see a therapist. Now Larry realizes that he had repressed a lot of feelings about his domineering mother and inattentive father. He feels this may be why he harbored unfair resentment towards me. He wants to grow up and be able to accept responsibility in our relationship. He also admitted that for a long time he felt he didn't "deserve" the love I gave him and tried to destroy it. He now wants to learn to accept it.

Although nothing ever came from his asking the woman out to lunch, I still hurt from the incident. My trust in him is gone, not to mention my self-esteem. He had never done anything like that before. Is it possible that his love "faltered" for a moment and that he can still be in love with me? — Once Burned, Twice Shy, in Hartford, Conn.

Dear Once Burned: Everyone makes mistakes. Yes, what he did to you was hurtful. Still, the fact that he has sought professional counseling to help him figure out why he is rejecting the love you offer — and wants to learn how to accept your love — demonstrates his commitment to your relationship and his desire to see that it succeeds.

If you feel your partnership is worth saving, now is the time to let go of your blame regarding this incident, and give him the benefit of his recent actions. By supporting his efforts with your unwavering love, you can help him move beyond his emotional blocks to enjoy the relationship that you both are seeking.

Dear John: I separated from my husband for a year, but then we reconciled.

Things are better between us than they have been for some time.

However, one of the women my husband saw during our separation continues to pursue him, although he's asked her to leave him alone. I've even left a message on her cell phone telling her it was unnecessary for her to contact him since we're back together and he had no interest in her. When she continued, I followed up with a note on her car windshield. Since then, she has sent me some very nasty e-mails. Of course, I responded in kind. Now she leaves messages on my husband's voicemail, insisting that I am crazy and that I'm sabotaging her life.

Honestly John, my husband and I are very happy. He has tried repeatedly to get her to stop, and all to no avail. We have two great teens, and we both work hard. What will it finally take for her to just let us be? Should I just go to her house and spell it all out for her? — My Husband is Being Stalked, in Atlanta, Ga.

Dear Being Stalked: You are not in competition with this woman for your husband's affection or attention. Now that your husband has reestablished his commitment to you, it is his responsibility, not yours, to see that this woman understands that he does not want to continue any relationship with her. Your contact with her should stop immediately.

Knowing full well just how persistent this other woman can be, give your husband the space to resolve the matter. He may want to consider formalizing his decision in a letter to her. If so, he should document the fact that he sent it, and keep a copy. This way, if the harassment continues, he has proof of his request that she stop, and can review further legal options.

Your love, support and faith in him that this can be done, without your further personal involvement, will make his job that much easier.

John Gray is the author of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus." If you have a question, write to John in care of this newspaper or by e-mail at: www.marsvenusliving.com. All questions are kept anonymous and will be paraphrased. To find out more about John Gray and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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