Mars and Venus by John Gray

Dear John: "Fred" and I have been married for almost three years. I stay home with our two young children. Fred was recently laid off at work, so right now we're living with my parents. All of this has put a lot of stress on our marriage. It seems that all we do is argue. When Fred wants to discuss things, it never seems to be the right time. Either the kids are still up and running around, or my parents are present. When I ask Fred to wait for a better time, he thinks I'm just pushing him away. Usually our talks become heated. When I ask him for time to gather my thoughts or tell him I'm becoming angry, he keeps going at me until I explode and become physical! How can we resolve this? — Slow Burn, on Richmond, Va.

Dear Slow Burn: It's obvious that both of you are now feeling an immense amount of tension. Still, he is giving you the message that you need to make time for him. So that both of you can mentally and emotionally prepare to be each others' support system, why not set a time — say, 9 p.m. each night — in which just the two of you "catch-up"? You can do this privately in your bedroom, or go out and take a walk together. By knowing exactly when this will occur each day, both of you can take the time to prepare yourselves — both as a speaker and as a listener. To do so, you should write down issues you wish to bring to the table, along with a possible solution for your concerns. You should also take turns, in this manner: Listen to the issue, listen to the proffered solution, and then, if you see a different solution, suggest it as an alternative. The love you share is what will get you through the hard times. By opening your ears — and your minds and hearts — to each other, you'll strengthen your relationship for the long haul.

Dear John: I was raised under a critical father.

I then married a man who is an abusive alcoholic. We were married two decades before we finally divorced. I had been single for five years; then a year ago I met and married "Jimmy," a very caring and loving man. For the first time in my life, I feel I've finally experienced true love. My problem is that I sometimes initiate a "silent war." Because in the past I was never able to have an opinion or speak my peace without being reprimanded, it caused me to stay in an emotional shell. I am now trying to fight through this silence with my new husband, but I'm having such a hard time. I just need some words of wisdom to work this out and be able to enjoy this wonderful man that's in my life. I know there are times for disagreements that I must learn to deal with. How can I do this? — Silent Protest, in Birmingham, Ala.

Dear Silent Protest: The first step is to recognize your issue, and you have done that. The second step is to get a journal and spend 10 minutes every day writing what you would say if you could, and the response that you would want to hear from your loving spouse in return. Also, think back to the time of your previous marriage and write out the words that you would have wanted to hear from your former husband. Following these steps over a period of several months will give you the confidence you need to tell your new husband what you are feeling, and you will be better prepared to hear his feelings as well.

John Gray is the author of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus." If you have a question, write to John in care of this newspaper or by e-mail at: www.marsvenusliving.com. All questions are kept anonymous and will be paraphrased. To find out more about John Gray and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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