Mars and Venus by John Gray

Dear John: I have been married to "Gary" for nine years. He is 59, and I am 53. He has three grown children, all in their 30s. They try to keep him on a guilt trip for the way he was in the past. Despite the fact that they are all well off financially, they never call without asking him for money. At the same time, they brag about going on trips, sometimes with their mother. We are retired and live on a modest income. We cannot continue to give his children this kind of money.

These calls depress Gary. He blames me because I feel that we do not have the money. He says that he is going to give it to them because they are his children and they asked for it. In fact, this issue has caused him to leave me twice since we've been married. This usually happens after he's visited his children, who have vowed to break us up. They want him to go back to their mother. He has told them that he never will, and he loves me and will stay married to me.

I also have grown children. They are also well off, and they never ask for money. We have done without in order to give money to his selfish, grown kids and we are having a lot of problems because of this. How can I encourage Gary to take a stand for us? — Hurting for Him, in Columbus, Ga.

Dear Hurting for Him: Many parents who were absent in their children's lives, or who feel they've wronged their children, think that financial gifts will make up for their past absences. In fact, no amount of money will absolve these parents from guilt, or help them get to resolve their underlying issues.

Despite your protests, you need to realize that Gary is the only person who can address these issues from his family's past. They won't be resolved until he does. Whether he takes your advice or not, you've made your point. If you feel that the financial gifts Gary is giving away are tapping into your own income, separate your accounts so that what he does with his money won't affect your financial needs so directly.

Don't give your opinion unless Gary asks for it. If he does, suggest that he talk to a therapist about his guilt. By talking to an unbiased source, he may be able to sort out his feelings and better deal with his children when their requests for assistance are presented.

Dear John: I seem to make it a habit of being attracted to people who aren't good for me. The men I choose are never abusive, just emotionally unavailable. When a nice, good, potential mate comes around, I'm initially attracted to him for a month or so, but then I tire of him. One day I want to make a commitment with this guy and a couple days later I'm thinking this guy is too much of a geek. This happened once again last summer with "Tony." We stopped seeing each other, but I continued to run into him at friends' gatherings once in a while. Soon I started feeling something for him again. We started dating again, although I know he's not "the one." I'm now 31, and I feel like I'm never going to find the love of my life. I sometimes think that my idea of how it's supposed to work is distorted by all the romantic movies I've seen. I was raised by a single mom. I haven't seen my father since I was 3. Could I have fear of abandonment issues? — Ambivalent Girl, in Ft. Myers, Fla.

Dear Ambivalent Girl: No possible mate you meet will be perfect. As I discuss in "Mars and Venus on a Date," the second stage of dating is when we experience doubts about the person we see as a potential partner. When our fears of rejection begin to surface, they often manifest themselves in a tendency to focus on the inadequacies of a potential partner, and we then lose our sense of attraction.

You may indeed have unresolved issues from your past, and this tendency to find fault might, in fact, magnify the problem. However, pat yourself on the back for taking the first step in recognizing this tendency within you. Knowing that it is your pattern to focus on the flaws of a potential mate, next time try to make a conscious effort to redirect your attention to the good qualities that attracted you to him in the first place. By exercising greater patience as you enter into and go through this stage, you may be able to move beyond your doubts, and this will allow you to recognize the right relationship when it enters your life.