Mars and Venus by John Gray

Dear John: Lately, Bill, my boyfriend of four years, has been bringing up the topic of having a baby. I am 22 and he is 26, so we are a few years apart; I think that this is why he is in a bigger hurry to have children. I love him and am thrilled that he wants to have a baby with me, but I am not going to begin having children until I graduate (in two years) and am married. He says that he does not know if he wants to get married right now. He does love me, and says he wants to get married, just not right now. I don't want to "push" marriage, because it shouldn't be that way. How should I approach this situation? — Lost in Austin

Dear Lost: I think you've told him honestly and openly how you feel, so you've done the right thing. A woman should never feel pressured into having a child. Studies show that raising children in two-parent households has both emotional and financial advantages, so your desire to be married prior to starting a family should not surprise him. If he loves you, he'll wait until you are ready for this important step in life. Successful couples know how to compromise and still keep their objectives. If he won't wait, he wasn't the right guy for you in the first place.

Dear John: My mother-in-law has turned out to be a rather manipulative and controlling person. I had no clue when we married that she was the type of person to stir up so much trouble. She is constantly finding ways to cause problems for us and gets away with it by acting the injured innocent party when her behavior is brought to light.

As an example of her conniving ways, every time we have a birthday party for one of the kids, she finds out which of my husband's relatives hasn't received a thank you note from me and calls him to tell him before I can get a chance to send one out.

I have gotten to the point where I try to avoid talking to her on the phone or attending family functions. She is completely aware of my feelings and now tries to use them against me. My husband offers no support to me and does not validate my feelings at all, and this causes constant tension between us. I am at the point now where I feel that a divorce might be the only solution. I hate the thought of it, since we have children. Is there any way to tell her what's on my mind about her past behaviors without her getting offended or causing further damage to my marriage? — She's a Pain, in Pensacola, Fla.

Dear She's a Pain: I suspect that if you were to approach your mother-in-law about your grievances, you would soon lose your temper and give her the reaction that she seeks. This would then allow her to reinforce her feelings about you to her son. Your husband instead could be the one to come to your aid. After all, the problem is being caused by someone on his side of the family.

You've given a great example of how she creates a problem. I'm sure you've experienced others. Make a list of them. Then, calmly and dispassionately, sit down with your husband and go over them. When doing so, don't blame him, or put him on the defensive for her actions. After all, she is an adult acting of free will. Instead, request that he diplomatically ask her to avoid criticizing you to others, as you would do for him if it were your mother who was stirring up all the fuss. Then, give him time to do so. I don't think he will refuse your request. If he does, however, only you can decide your next move: to stay put and endure her actions, or leave until something changes, either his support, or her behavior.