Mars and Venus by John Gray

Dear John: I've been friends with "Jasper" and "Janine" for about for four years now. A month ago, Janine and I kissed on a weekend trip that Jasper was not on. We have very strong feelings for one another, and she comes to my house almost daily. We haven't had intercourse to this point. I care deeply about her and know she has a miserable, abusive marriage. Am I doing the wrong thing by telling her to get a divorce, not just for me but for herself? — Falling for Her, in Montgomery, Ala.

Dear Falling for Her: If, in fact, she has an abusive relationship, your encouragement that she reconsider her situation would be something that a real friend would do. On the other hand, at this point your input can no longer be viewed as objective. You would be well advised to suggest that she talk to a family counselor to sort out her feelings and the facts.

It would be wise for both of you to keep the relationship platonic for at least a year after her separation. When a person first comes out of a long-term relationship, their fears or concerns can make them jump impulsively into their next relationship, and perhaps make similar mistakes. If you are truly her friend, you should give her the breathing room she needs to make decisions that are right for her.

Dear John: Why are men so attracted to other women while they're with their spouses? Some of these on-the-side relationships last for years, but these men still stay with their wives! They say they love and adore these other women, yet they don't leave their partners, and they stay in a marriage that is far from perfect.

I should know because I'm — His Mistress, in Anywhere USA

Dear Mistress: This age-old situation has been researched ad infinitum, with numerous conclusions. Some behavioral scientists feel that men aren't as much programmed for fidelity as they are programmed for propagation. Some psychologists insist that unfaithful men are emulating their fathers' behavior. Of course, both women and men have affairs. Whether this is an innate impulse or it has an environmental or emotional root cause, most of us still strive to build solid monogamous relationships.

If a person has an affair once, more than likely, unless the reasons for the infidelity are addressed, and a commitment is made to work things out, the odds show that it will happen again. Rightly so, "the other woman," with whom a man may be involved in a deceitful extramarital relationship may fairly consider the fact that this double life may be repeated at some later date with her, even if by then he is in a supposedly committed relationship.

No partner, man or woman, spouse or significant other, should have to suffer with someone who hurts him or her. You deserve something better. Exit this relationship so that you'll be more open to finding a partner who will love you and only you.

John Gray is the author of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus." If you have a question, write to John in care of this newspaper or by e-mail at: www.marsvenusliving.com. All questions are kept anonymous and will be paraphrased. To find out more about John Gray and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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