Dear John: I've been dating this super guy for about four months now. We met online, and continue to communicate regularly by e-mail rather than phone, even though we work and live in the same towns. When we are together, we have a great time. I am worried though, because his busy travel schedule only allows us to see each other about twice a month. For this reason, the relationship is moving very slowly. I feel we should know each other much better than we really do at this point. I haven't met any of his friends, though he's met a couple of mine. I would love to see him more often, but I'm afraid such a request would scare him away. We aren't sleeping together, though we are very intimate physically — he's been very good at not pushing me. How can I know if this will work or not in the long-term? — Passion at a Snail's Pace, in Miami, Fla.
Dear Passion at a Snail's Pace: The five stages of dating are: One —Attraction; Two — Uncertainty; Three — Exclusivity; Four — Intimacy; and Five — Engagement. From what you've written, I would guess that you are in Stage Two and he seems to be in Stage One. You are correct to consider holding off on pushing a move to the next stage: Exclusivity. If you want to test his desire to go beyond attraction, start dating other men. You don't have to shove this reality in his face, but when the time is right, feel free to mention activities you've done with others.
If he's seeing others, this will open the door to an honest discussion of exclusivity. At this point, He will reconsider his feelings and act accordingly. He may want to move on to the next level of commitment, or opt to keep things as they are. Either way, you win by having opened yourself up to other possibilities.
Dear John: I am seeing this guy who is 15 years my senior. At first it was great, but lately, he's turned into a major rubber band man: First, he called things off for a month, then called back. Two months later, he wanted out of the relationship but continued to see me and call, then he called it off for two months. Now that I am finally getting on with my life, he's called again. I have seen him once a week this month so far, and he asked to spend Halloween with me, but I know he will back out. This has gone on for a year now: He gets mad, waits a week, a month or more, and then he calls. He is retired and he gets bored with things easily. I would be happy if you could give me some advice on this; I feel like my life is on hold. I am just waiting for his next call and this is driving me crazy. What does he want from me? — Dating a Boomerang, in Morro Bay, Calif.
Dear Dating a Boomerang: He has every right to pull away. But it's your choice, however, as to whether you have to be there when he returns. You should never feel as if your life is on hold. If his rubber band routine is wearing you out, seek out other relationships that accommodate your needs. It takes two to make a relationship. You deserve a better half.
