Mars and Venus by John Gray

Dear John: I have recently met the most caring, handsome and special man. Whenever I phone him, he has this excited thrill in his voice, and I think he cares for me. But at this point, I do not know how I feel. Why? Because of his mother. She is overly possessive of him. Recently we were supposed to go out, but she grounded him. He is 32 years old! Although I think I'm in love with him, I don't know how to deal with this. What should I do? -- Second to Mom, in Cheyenne, Wyo.

Dear Second to Mom: Run, far and fast. If, at 32, if he cannot make up his mind as to whom his friends and lovers should be, there is no guarantee he'll be able to do it at 39, or even 49. I'm sure he has a lot of great qualities, but life's too short to wait for him to grow up, so move on.

Dear John: My husband and I have a son together. But he has another son, "Billy," from his first marriage. On weekends when Billy visits, the two boys often fight. Whenever I try to discipline Billy, he yells, "You're not my mommy!" Then, he goes home and tells his mother I was mean to him. Needless to say, this is causing a lot of friction between our two families. How should we deal with this? -- Not Step-Mommy Dearest, in Lubbock, Texas

Dear Not Step-Mommy: No matter where a child may be, his primary disciplinarian is also his primary caregiver. In this case, that would be either your husband or his ex-wife.

This does not mean stepparents have any less of a role in determining house rules or disciplinary measures, or for initiating discipline when needed. It means all adults involved must communicate with each other on issues, and they must also communicate with the child that they support each others' decisions made on the child's behalf.

To start this process, first sit down with your husband and discuss any and all house rules and disciplinary measures you may want to implement. Write down specific concerns and the agreed-upon solutions. Of course, any and all forms of discipline should apply to all children in the household, not just your stepson, and the punishment should fit the crime.

(I advocate graduated time-outs, one minute per year of age, meaning a 10-year-old has a 10-minute time out. This allows the child to cool down and reconsider his actions, and encourages him to make a positive change.)

Once your house rules have been established, arrange a meeting between you, his biological mother and your husband to discuss them. Ask that the mother explain the rules to their son, and communicate to the boy that she supports them. By making his mother a part of the process, she will hopefully become part of the solution.

"Man-speak"

Men may not talk much, but the signs are all there indicating his desires. Of the 2,441 women who participated in a recent Mars Venus/Redbook poll, 42 percent say he's a real doll when he wants things his way. While 13 percent say he gives a 'serious' cough (hint, hint), only 10 percent say he grumbles before talking about it. Meanwhile, 35 percent say their guy just shares what's on his mind.

Full results are shown below. To take part in this week's Mars Venus/Redbook poll, log on to: www.redbookmag.com.

How do you know he wants something?

He acts super nice.                     42 percent

He coughs, hinting around.             13 percent

He grumbles before coming out with it.         10 percent

He speaks his mind.                 35 percent

Total votes:                         2,441

NOTE: Because poll percentages are rounded, total values may not work out to 100 percent. Poll results are not scientific and reflect only the opinions of those users who choose to participate.

John Gray is the author of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus." If you have a question, write to John in care of this newspaper or by e-mail at: www.marsvenus.com. All questions are kept anonymous and will be paraphrased. To find out more about John Gray and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.
COPYRIGHT 2008 JOHN GRAY'S MARS VENUS ADVICE
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