creators home
creators.com lifestyle web
John Gray

Recently

Temper Problems Causing Tiffs With Girlfriend Dear John: My girlfriend claims I am very argumentative — which I am. Needless to say, we fight constantly. Sometimes, though, I feel as if she is picking on me and that I have to defend myself. She says it's no use arguing with her, because …Read more. Divorce Is a Painful Experience Dear John: I have been divorced for two years now. I did not want the divorce, so it was a particularly painful experience. My ex-husband still attends my family gatherings. And it hurts every time I see him! Although my children are from another …Read more. Physical Relationship With Co-Worker Becoming Complicated Dear John: A couple of months after starting a new job, one of my colleagues and I got physically involved after an office party. Unfortunately, now he has informed me that he is steadily seeing someone else. Still, he'd like us to "stay friends." …Read more. Husband Trying to Make Amends for Mistakes Dear John: I'm a 41-year-old man married for 16 years to a great woman. Unfortunately, many times during our marriage, I have lied to her regarding simple matters, because I thought they were no big deal, and I didn't want to get her angry. For …Read more.
more articles

Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus

Comment

Dear John: I don't know how to be happy again. I'm a 44-year-old woman who has raised my two children without a mate. It's been like this for the past nine years. I guess money keeps me at work seven days a week in my own business, but I really hate my job, as does my oldest son, who lives with me. We make just enough money to provide for the necessities. My kids are concerned because I don't laugh anymore — and I used to be the one who made everyone else laugh! I have very few friends that visit. My evenings are sad and lonely. How can I be "me" again? — All Alone, in Gaithersburg, Md.

Dear All Alone: The cause of your depression is that you are a very sensitive, giving person who shares much of herself — but is making little time for herself. By doing this, you forfeit your ability to feel what you really want, and you cannot anticipate a positive future.

To overcome this depression, you must begin to believe again that the love and support you need are available to you. Trade childcare with a friend or family member, at least once a week, so that you can go to a gym, a bookstore, a movie — in other words, so that you can indulge in an activity that gets you out of the house and feeds an interest you have. Also, take the time and effort to find a therapist with whom you can discuss these feelings of despair. This will help you view your situation from a new direction. You do have needs. By getting away and having new experiences that nourish your soul, you may once again connect with your true and positive self.

Dear John: My wife is 42 and a really beautiful woman. She is rare in the fact that she makes clothes look great on her instead of the other way around.

However, she has one problem: She constantly remarks about her "need to lose 10 pounds." This just doesn't make sense to me. Seriously, I compliment her on a daily basis, and I always point out to her that, when we are out, other men are taking long looks at her — even when their wives are there. This obsession is worrying me. Should I ask her to consider counseling? This just doesn't make sense. — Loves Her, in Flagstaff, Ariz.

Dear Loves Her: Your wife's insecurity about her weight is based on some deeper issues she has with self-esteem. The need to be perfect usually begins in childhood, when children assume they must be perfect in order to make their parents happy. If at this formative stage they do not receive the positive message that it is OK to make mistakes, lasting feelings of inadequacy will be the result. Rather than love their accomplishments, perfectionists are rarely good enough for themselves. You are doing the right thing by reinforcing the fact that she looks great. Now, take your support one step further: Remind her that her beauty is not the first or only reason you and others love and respect her.

To bring this message home, list other traits and accomplishments — any acts of generosity or kindness, her sense of commitment to any heartfelt issue, recently completed projects — that make her a special person. In time, she will realize there is more to her than meets the eye.

John Gray is the author of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus." If you have a question, write to John in care of this newspaper or by e-mail at: www.marsvenus.com. All questions are kept anonymous and will be paraphrased. To find out more about John Gray and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

COPYRIGHT 2007 JOHN GRAY'S MARS VENUS ADVICE

DISTRIBUTED BY CREATORS SYNDICATE, INC.



Comments

1 Comments | Post Comment
I really like both of the answers to the letters today, particularly the one to the first letter. So often I feel bad about myself because I am feeling sad, like it makes me a bad person because I "should" feel happy because of the things I do have. It is good to hear a positive reason for feeling depressed, and to realize that it is not a character flaw. In fact in the letter writer's case, part of the case is having good character!
I am impressed with John's insight and knowledge.
Comment: #1
Posted by: Mary
Wed Apr 11, 2012 8:01 AM
Already have an account? Log in.
New Account  
Your Name:
Your E-mail:
Your Password:
Confirm Your Password:

Please allow a few minutes for your comment to be posted.

Enter the numbers to the right:  
Creators.com comments policy
More
John Gray
Apr. `14
Su Mo Tu We Th Fr Sa
30 31 1 2 3 4 5
6 7 8 9 10 11 12
13 14 15 16 17 18 19
20 21 22 23 24 25 26
27 28 29 30 1 2 3
About the author About the author
Write the author Write the author
Printer friendly format Printer friendly format
Email to friend Email to friend
View by Month