Mars and Venus by John Gray

Dear John: My sister lives with a man who is wildly jealous and demanding. She doesn't realize she is in an abusive relationship. Since she has never been in one before, she does not recognize the signs.

Well, I have. And the extreme jealousy shown by her boyfriend is not normal and may be an important warning sign of a potentially abusive man. For example, she's already given up many of the activities and friends she enjoyed, just for him. And if he can't get everything he wants (and he never does), he is very likely to become verbally and physically abusive. Am I right? — Been There, Done That, in Durham, N.C.

Dear Been There, Done That: Well said. Many thanks for elaborating on a possibly bad situation. Those who have never been abused do not recognize these signs that may show themselves over time. The abused always thinks, "Is it me? What did I do?" and unknowingly takes the blame. What they should be thinking is, "It's not me. It's you, and it's time to move on."

Dear John: I've just ended my second marriage.

After leaving my wife, I started seeing a woman who is 10 years younger than me, and once again I got burned pretty badly. I think she saw me as an easy target because of my recent divorce. Since we quickly got intimate, I know I skipped some very important steps in the dating process. What signs can I look for to determine whether a potential soul mate has serious intentions? How do you know it's time to move from uncertainty to intimacy? — Avoiding Strike Three, in Sugar Land, Texas

Dear Two Strikes: At different stages in your life, you are going to have different needs. It sounds as if, at this stage of your life, you are looking for a serious relationship. Rushing to intimacy as a way to determine whether a relationship will develop into something long-term is not smart. I warn readers about this in my book "Mars and Venus on a Date."

Time is the determining factor in whether someone is right or wrong for you. So, if you're intent on looking long-term, hold off. Go through the first two steps of dating — Attraction and Uncertainty — before moving on to Exclusivity, Intimacy and Commitment. In other words, give yourself time to let your certainty grow. By doing this, when the right time comes, you'll know it.