Mars and Venus by John Gray

Dear John: My husband is a chronic liar and has a sexual addiction. "Jerry" was fired from his job because of the affair he had with another employee. We have tried a few counselors, but it doesn't seem to help. I have caught him in three lies since our therapy sessions have started. For example, he'd go out on an errand, but end up at a massage parlor. He's put 900# sex calls on our calling card and ordered over $350 worth of pornographic movies on our cable account — and these are small issues compared to his past sexual indiscretions.

When I confront him, Jerry tells me that if I don't like it, I should leave, or that he doesn't think he loves me in the way a husband should love a wife. When the argument is over, he hugs me and claims he doesn't like to fight! I've been with him for 14 years. We have an 8-year-old son. I care for Jerry and love him, but I hate what he has turned into. Jerry doesn't understand that he is destroying me! Am I just plain stupid to be staying with this man? Should I divorce him and get on with my life? — Brokenhearted, in Nashville, Tenn.

Dear Brokenhearted: Indeed, your husband has many of the symptoms of sexual addiction. Should he wish to confront his problems, he could get information and the name of a local experienced counselor through Sexaholics Anonymous — 1-866-424-8777 or online at www.sa.org.

Accept the fact that you are not going to be the one to change your husband's behavior. That change has to come from within him. Ironically, your husband has given you one good bit of advice: If you don't like your circumstances, you should move out.

A trial separation may actually be the wake-up call your husband needs in order to seek help. If your husband tries to talk you into coming back, do so only if he agrees to your terms, which should include him following through on the help he needs. You deserve love, respect, commitment and trust in your relationship, so don't settle for less.

Dear John: I am 44 years old. In my town, there are very few single men in my age group. Because of this, I decided to put a profile on an Internet dating site. I have met several great guys from this site, but after having read "Mars and Venus on a Date," I am wondering how to deal with the long-distance factor.

I really don't like having the guy fly to my area because it throws the dating off balance: I'm the one who has to drive, I have to pick the places, and I'm in charge.

That doesn't seem to work. So I prefer to fly to their location. Who should pay for my plane ticket? Who should pay for my hotel room? I am financially secure and have no problem paying, but I don't want to send the wrong message. Thanks for any advice you have on long-distance or Internet dating. — Reaching Out, in Tiny Burg, USA

Dear Reaching Out: Internet dating is still very new, and no rules are tried and true. Remember this: Despite what we write and read online, attraction is still a sensory experience — as my online readers will readily attest. It's only by physically meeting someone that you will know whether an attraction can truly develop.

When it comes to dating rituals, despite the long-distance factor, some issues are still important to women. This is why I advocate that the initial meeting take place on your turf. This should not necessarily hinder his ability to take charge of the "what" and "when" of the first date. While he won't have your knowledge of your town's geography, traffic patterns, restaurants and events, there are several Internet guides that can help him determine whether an outing is geographically feasible and whether it fits his price range. Ideally, he will give you several choices based on his initial research, and you can then give your feedback.

As to whether or not you should make yourself available for a whole weekend, I would suggest you schedule just one get-together, and then let nature take its course. Of course, he should pick up his own transportation costs, and he should make arrangements for overnight accommodations. Should the relationship advance to where a visit to his town becomes the next step, he should pay for your travel and any other accommodations you feel are necessary at that stage of the relationship.

Remember, despite the fact that it is a long-distance relationship, at no point should you feel the obligation to rush any of the five dating stages: attraction, uncertainty, exclusivity, intimacy and engagement. Even if one partner reaches the next stage before the other, this person can be patient and continue to demonstrate their attraction and interest until the other partner makes the decision to move to the next stage — or both should back up. Each stage brings its own challenges and rewards. After all, a lifetime of love occurs one day at a time.