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John Gray


How Much Does Hair Have to Do With a Person's Attractiveness? Dear John: How does hair color and style contribute to how much a person would find a potential partner attractive? Considering the amount of money hair care companies spend on creating new products, such as dyes, relaxants, shampoos, styling gels …Read more. Stepson Has Problematic Girlfriend Dear John: My 24-year-old stepson recently introduced us to his new girlfriend. She is 12 years older than him, which makes her just 10 years younger than my husband and me. She's loud and a big flirt who knows no boundaries. In fact, she has even …Read more. Threesome Tension Dear John: Recently, my husband shared with me that he would like to have a threesome with another female. I know this is pretty much a fantasy many guys have. After stating this, he said he would leave it up to me if it happened or not. And now, I'…Read more. Unhealthy Attraction Dear John: I have a crush on a woman at my work. She is several years older than I am, and is married with two kids. I know that this is an unhealthy attraction. The trouble is, I don't know how to fall out of love with her. I'm extremely shy around …Read more.
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Friend Lost Husband in Tragic Accident


Dear John, My friend Susie recently lost her husband in a tragic accident. Since then, Susie has been chasing everyone else's husband, lying and causing fights. I know that Susie is in pain, but she talks as if she is actually trying to catch one of these guys, and she has most of them wrapped around her finger. How can I help her? —Worried, in Cincinnati, Ohio

Dear Worried, Strong relationships aren't going to crumble because of overt flirting. If these guys are looking for trouble, they'll find it, with or without Susie. At the same time, Susie has forgotten that friendships are built on trust, and right now her actions are not trustworthy. They are a cry for help.

Meet with her alone. Tell her that you love her, as do your other friends, and that everyone realizes that she is in a lot of pain, but her actions are jeopardizing friendships. Suggest that she consider grief counseling. Be prepared to give her the name of a local support group or counselor. The rest is up to Susie. If she is ready to move beyond her grief and anger, she now knows she has the love and support of her friends to do so

Dear John, I met this beautiful woman and everything was OK until I offered her a drink.

She said no, then told me that she was once involved with an alcoholic. I had one drink anyway. After all, I was on vacation. The next day, we met again to see the sights. That morning, I had had a couple of drinks to relax. She noticed and asked me about it. I didn't lie. We hit it off great, and at the end of the night, she was wrapped up in my arms, smiling.

To make a long story short, she didn't call me the next day, or the next week. Finally, I called her. She's not interested! Do I have any chance of winning her back? —Frustrated, in Newport Beach, Calif.

Dear Frustrated, She gave you a message, loud and clear: she'd prefer to be around a guy who doesn't drink. Considering her past experience, this is understandable. Knowing this, the decision is now yours. If your feelings are deep enough for a lasting commitment, be the man she wants. Otherwise, you won't be attractive to her. Then again, if casual drinking is part of who you are, find someone who doesn't mind. Otherwise, you'll resent her for pushing you in that direction, and that wouldn't be fair to either of you.

2013 John Gray's Mars Venus Advice. Distributed by Creators Syndicate. John Gray is the author of "Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus." If you have a question, write John in care of this newspaper, or by email at: All questions are kept anonymous, and will be paraphrased.



10 Comments | Post Comment
A couple of drinks IN THE MORNING? That may be normal for you, but it would be a huge red flag for someone who had been involved with an alcoholic. And you might want to take an honest look at your drinking habits.
Comment: #1
Posted by: Carly O
Sat Jan 5, 2013 10:00 PM
I agree, drinking in the morning is a bad sign, especially if you feel you *need* them to relax. If I were a single woman looking for the right man, I too would bypass the morning drinker.
Comment: #2
Posted by: Claude
Sun Jan 6, 2013 8:21 AM
I disagree strongly with this statement from John " If these guys are looking for trouble, they'll find it, with or without Susie."

Some people who don't look for trouble, will end up getting in trouble if the trouble finds them. It's very flattering to men to have another woman give them attention. Some won't be able to resist temptation even if they would never ever go looking for it.
Comment: #3
Posted by: Hi there
Sun Jan 6, 2013 8:50 AM
Carly O, I don't think there's necessarily any need for him to "take an honest look at his drinking habits" or even that "that may be normal for you". He was on vacation. I don't typically drink even two drinks a month... but when my sisters and I rent a house in Mexico in January, yeah, morning finds us drinking a pitcher or two of strawberry daiquiris on the deck as we watch the fishing boats go out. We're not driving anywhere; we're not responsible for supervising children; we're not operating dangerous machinery or taking drugs...why not?

I do agree that his choice to go ahead and order those drinks AFTER she'd told him she'd been involved with an alcoholic was just plain stupid if he wanted to try for a relationship with her. She gave him valuable insight about what she didn't want, and he chose to disregard that. LW, that's the kind of stuff you pay attention to. You don't just assume that she knows you're drinking in the morning on vacation but never drink at home, or that you're so hot that of course she'll overlook something that doesn't feel right to her.
Comment: #4
Posted by: hedgehog
Sun Jan 6, 2013 6:39 PM
Does this column sound familiar? See John Gray 28 August 2008.
Comment: #5
Posted by: Miss Pasko
Mon Jan 7, 2013 5:21 AM
Never had bloodies in the morning or tequila sunrises or mimosas or champagne with brunch (which is morning)? Drinking the morning on vacation do not an alcoholic make .
Comment: #6
Posted by: Susan V
Mon Jan 7, 2013 10:51 AM
LW1: How people handle themselves in bad times says a lot about their character and now you've seen what your "friend" is really like on the inside. Gross, huh? She's hideous and you should run from her.

LW2: It was a vacation fling not kismet. Move on.
Comment: #7
Posted by: Diana
Mon Jan 7, 2013 11:11 AM
Yea Diana and abandoning a friend in bad times shows your character too. It goes both ways. Are you always so hateful and miserable? I see your posts all over this site and you never have one nice thing to say, calling fathers piece of crap and worthless. What the h*ll is wrong with you?
Comment: #8
Posted by: Susan V
Mon Jan 7, 2013 11:27 AM
I did not say that the LW is an alcoholic. No way to know. I also did not say that it is normal for him, I said, it MAY be. hedge, your comment about him having those drinks being stupid if he was interested in a relationship with her is exactly what makes me think he may have a problem. Sure, I have been to brunch, and I see absolutely nothing wrong with having a relaxing drink or two under circumstances you describe with your sisters. I would love to join you!

But he knew her feelings, went ahead and had those morning drinks anyway, and he says they were meeting for sightseeing. He drank enough for her to notice, and that sounds like more than two mimosas to me. Maybe I am jaded having had to deal with alcohol issues in my family, but in this situation, his drinking caused a problem in his life, and it never hurts to take an honest look at one's habits every now and again.
Comment: #9
Posted by: Carly O
Mon Jan 7, 2013 5:31 PM
hedge, your comment about him having those drinks being stupid if he was interested in a relationship with her is exactly what makes me think he may have a problem.
Heh. Perhaps he does.

It may just be that I've dealt with enough guys who don't know how to put 2 and 2 together -- who wouldn't recognize the clue that LW was handing them -- that makes me think it's General Cluelessness on their part rather than judgment impaired by alcohol. That what's going on in their brains: "Oh, she doesn't want a drink. OK, that's cool" and it just never occurs to them to make the next logical step: "Oh...crap, and here I just ordered a Bloody Mary. Now she's gonna think *I* have a drinking problem, too-- it's not even 10 a.m.! I'm probably doing exactly what her ex did. She has NO IDEA that I'm on call so much for work that I almost never drink in real life. Guess I need to decide which I want more on this trip -- a few drinks or a long-term relationship with her?"

Comment: #10
Posted by: hedgehog
Tue Jan 8, 2013 10:36 AM
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